Internet Diary 29#

I’m fucking stressed right now, i’m pretty sure my computer just broke. 

I was fucking checking to see if my mouse was turned on but as I was doing that my screen fucking turned all black, I can’t even turn off my computer now.

Alienware computers can be so terrible, every day it heats up for no reason.

I always make sure to check my storage and it says that it’s okay, but I guess that’s a fucking lie now.

I really don’t want to hear my dad be angry at me just because my computer broke. I also don’t want to pay my dad money to get it fix.

My friends don’t even care or think i am stressing over this right now, i’m so fucking mad.

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I’ll try to calm down now, i’ll deal with the stupidest consequences later.

Anyways

My brain has been like even more weird then normal, I had a whole week where I was wishing i was dead just because I felt horny. 

OH YEAH, I broke up with my boyfriend (I think this week i did, I can’t remember) because I felt like loving him was instead like a chore and I was just making him feel even worse because of my stupid self.

I truly did love him and i’m glad we were able to even be in a relationship without anyone trying to break us apart.

But I can’t handle being long distance anymore, it hurts to not have someone to cling onto not just with words but also touch.

When i was in a relationship it felt like every moment I wasn’t texting him meant it came close to him breaking up with me. 

I was even scared he might cheat on me with another or break up with me for another.

Every time I would vent my problems to him it felt like I couldn’t ever say the full truth, it also felt like i was just adding to his problems with how he felt about himself.

Everyone i dated (not including long distance dating) never wanted to actually hold me and cuddle me or felt comfortable with me clinging onto them for hugs or simple cuddles. 

My thought process for why I thought me and my ex would stay together forever was stupid as i think about it right now.

I thought we would stay together forever even if we weren’t gonna see each other irl for a long time was because long ago I online dated someone who I never even met irl.

Yeah

I’m a fucking dumbass

Long distance dating isn’t the same as online dating.

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I have a whole another reason why I broke up with him that I am scared to tell everyone and anyone.

The way he talked about sex, him calling it a normal part of life really bothers me.

It bothers me because I believe the actual thing is disgusting if it’s not put into a way of like a fantasy such as any smut fic on A03.

Whenever I start to imagine myself even masterbaiting it feels like I committed a sin. 

I feel like I should kill myself for even imagining myself fucking another.

Scratch all that, anything that has to do with me feeling the need to have sex or imagine me doing anything sexual makes me want to kill myself and serve my time in hell for it.

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I need to talk to a fucking therapist about these types of things.