April 28th, 2025

Monday April 28th 

This is a long ass journal entry, long story short, I'm on space hey now 

I’m here again, I’ve journaled over so many different mediums it's hard to keep it all in just one place. I want my tumblr to have a different aesthetic, thoughts such as these should only be shared here and only here. I’ve been crying a lot lately. Could it be the new medicine manufacture of my ADHD meds thats making me feel this way? By the way, I found out I had ADHD I remember joking about that all the time as a teenager but nope. I actually have that shit. I’m very lucky to have a person like sayje in my life. I think when im around her i always try to act a certain way, tough, strong, like nothing can hurt me but me upholding this act as if i have everything together is starting to take a toll on me. Everything I do i try to work towards this imaginary dream that I have. Having dreams are nice but, I was enlightened yesterday by my big tittie goth gf that some of the dreams I have can’t be achieved here. Maybe a museum job isnt possible for me in a state like this. Maybe I shouldnt try to find a job like that in a state that never hires me for one. I think I was just really trying to find an escape. Something that would pay well and get me out of the terrible job I have now. A job that brings financial uncertainty as well as mental uncertainty. I’m also lettin go of this save as much as possible bullshit. I’ve considered taking the bank app off of my phone so i can’t physically check where I am financially. Maybe I’ll stop writing bills in my planner also and just let them come out as they may. 

I’m losing my train of thought as I’m writing this, I’m waiting for my lunch to stop cooking. Veggies, Rice, and sweet bbq chicken. The usual, I’m trying to eat better. I’m accepting that maybe my dream of becoming the best drummer in the world is gonna take awhile. Maybe I don’t have to try so hard to practice, maybe I should just practice when I can. I’m trying to break this mold placed on me by my father that I have to try as hard as i can all the time to find success. I am in a burnout that I havent really escaped from since 2022. Since I moved from Boston. I just started Vtubing by the way, which is really cool, I’m already thinking of Pluto 2.0 designs. I’m gonna continue to do it as a hobby and not necessarily try to blow up quickly as the next new vtuber. With so much tubing drama happening all the time I see ways in and mentally I feel like I have to push myself to upload as much as possible. But now? I’m gonna record and upload when I feel like it. I have no race to win. 

Maybe vtubing and drumming isnt my way out. In fact, Maybe i should stop thinking about a way out right now. Hang on my lunch is done cooking…pausing here for now. I’m gonna bring you to work with me today and journal when I can, i think it's time for a shower.I’m back now, so much for a tranquil morning. I dropped off my car this morning for the belt to be replaced and a 150 dollar belt replacement turned into a 260 car part order. I am hoping the 260 was the total and not on top of what I already owe. I guess I should just be thankful that at least I have the money to pay to fix it to begin with. You wanna hear even more bullshit? The gym I used to go to is trying to charge me a bill that doesn't even apply to me anymore. I Don't go to that hipster gym with too much butt sweat on the mats. I got to a gym with structure now, some class. I work out at home and sometimes the elderly civic center now thank you very much, all I know is white dude on the phone better get this shit fixed because I kinda need my credit to live comfortably. 

What else, What else...

OH!

I finally heard back from a museum, I have 2 history degrees by the way and since I graduated, I've never heard anything back. Always ghosted interviews or just selecting your bosses kid over someone else. Hang on I'm about to eat my lunch now. In case someone actually does read this far down? I'm making this entry like...as the day is going on. I started it at 7am and I'm still writing. So much for a short and sweet journal entry huh? 

I'm back now I spoke to my girlfriend on the phone and told her about this cool ass Pokemon card I pulled this morning while she told me about her love of Matcha an the apartment she's moving into soon. 

I guess the next thing I'll talk about is my ancestors. 

I am black, proud of it, in fact its the best thing about me.

But lately. I've been deepening my spiritual connection with them, I see them now, speak with them now. 4 in particular protect me. My therapist referred me to a hoodoo practitioner who I'm meeting with soon so I will officially begin practicing it at the end of may, How exciting, I need to update my planner about that so I don't forget I use a planner now. 

I also attended my great aunts funeral. She was 97 and it was very very cool to see all of my family back down home in South Carolina, that's right, if you haven't been reading this long ass blog entry in a country accent you should have been. I'm a Deep South baby through an through. 

The trip was nice, saw my childhood home, the land I will own one day, the old daycare I used to attend when I was a child ( now just a church, my mom told me a kid died at that place so its not a daycare anymore. rip. ) The air just seemed cleaner down there you know? It was genuine country, not in the gentrified, too tight, too crowded place I live now. That was genuine country air, food, mobile home carpet naps, trailers in grass thats gotten too tall, abandoned buildings and gas stations with Tom's Salt and Vinegar chips ( the best chips in the world by the way.) in them. It was nice for a moment to just feel that Carolina sun on my face. I wanted to take my shoes off and lay in the grass like I used to do. Forget about stress, worry about bug bites. 

I had another mental breakdown last night, that trip caused me to be off my meds for a little bit. I've been in therapy for over a year now and it's helped a lot but who knew me missing a dose would make me go insane. I was crying back to back, I felt like I was in that dark place again. Big tittle goth gf made it clear to me that I was trying too hard to make things work. I was trying too hard to chase after a dream that isn't meant to happen for me yet. Instead of me saying I deserve everything, demanding I get everything, money, fame, whatever...I should start saying that I am WORTHY of everything. And stop comparing my progress to others and just being okay with what I'm doing now. I'm gonna try to get better at accepting who I am which is hard especially since I'm a military kid and was raised as such, but it's caused me so much burnout that its starting to mess with my health. I had covid at the beginning of march, I still have a cough from it. ( definitely keeping you, the humble reader who has gotten this far, updated on that cough.) 

I need to start counting my wins, no matter how small. 

I always want this monumental thing, I want this huge congratulations and for it to truly mean something, but I have wins like that that I can make mean something to me. I blame this from my parents, you can make all the jokes you want, but I never heard I was doing a good job as a kid. It was always work twice as hard as everyone else. Maybe I can't drum for months at a time and I can drum when I can, maybe I can't upload Vtubing content all the time which I tried so hard to do. 

I'm learning to take my time an take care of myself. 

I'm running out of things to say but its funny, I almost don't want this journal to end

Is that truly the end? Hang on, I'm scanning my brain

I guess the only thing I can add is that I have some financial struggles and medical bills I need to pay but the only thing I can do is handle it the best way I can. I'm deleting my bank app off of my phone so I can't check it and become depressed seeing the results from it you know. I'm paying off medical bills when I can, even though it's a lot. I'm gonna start living my life as best as I can and accepting where I am now is okay. 

I'm a hard worker, that may never change, but what I can do is maybe lighten those punches on how hard I treat myself. I see the message to slow down all the time, but I actually need to do that. So what if I need to come home and rest all week from my tiring ass hospital job. I need to start taking my stress seriously. I'll drum when I can, I'll make content when I can. 

For now, I work on healing. 

and saying no when I'm too damn tired. 

I think I'm done for not, everything else after this line I'm typing is just because I pulled out my old MacBook Air and I like how these light ass buttons feel. 

I'm debating if I wanna delete my Tumblr or not. 

I like this place more.