28-4-25, Monday

I won't go to Bingo's mom in the morning anymore. They told me I shouldn't do that, but they didn't seem mad. Just discouraging.

I cried on that chair, staring at the wall. I stared at their little sisters bag. The sunlight shone through my tears, highlighting my tears as they fall. I shrink back, avoiding it.

Espurr/Soybean made us cookies, and gave me the money. They're cool like that. I have gatorade. I have water. 

I think I'm racist. I opened the door, and a tall black guy was behind it. The door moved in a way that made it look like he's coming at me. I "block" him by throwing my elbows out. He stands still, not even looking at me, unfazed by my sudden movements. Whether it is guilt that's in my chest, fear of judgement, or fear of myself, the question stands. Was that an increased reaction because he's black, or is my nervous system misfiring this badly?

I need to fix this. Racism is no good to me. Purge the teachings of my father from my brain.

08:28