27-4-25, Sunday

Gir came before I woke up. I feel weak. I haven't showered. We have no water. I move on.

I made us ice cream cones, but in my half-conscious state, I accidentally licked both of them. I had 2 vanilla ice creams for breakfast.

I see how self-deprecating Gir is. She never was quiet about it, as if she wants you to know. Or maybe she already knew I was onto her. Or maybe she just really needed to talk.

We stumbled across towns to another town's nature reservation. The hiking trails were too muddy for her, so we turned back. We got lost.

Couple hours later, we are home with a gift for Bingo and a McDonalds iced tea for me. Gir hasn't drunk any water the entire time. I am in $4.58 worth of debt to her.

Espurr gives me a lot of money. I am receiving at least $10 in delivery fees for their energy drinks.

I confronted them about it. They dismiss it, like it's normal to care for your friends with money. They said its not a big deal. They don't care.

It was a convincing message. I made them promise that I am not inconvenient, and they did, on their entire makeup collection. Their most valuable possessions. I feel dangerously safe. Thrown off-guard. Trusting.

I give others things all the time. I spent my last 20 on a steam game for them. I find it noble to do so - not for their approval, but for my own. Community support; they deserve it. I as their friend would be honored to help them receive the things they want, especially if I can retrieve them and they can't. 

But when it goes the other way? man.

Are you sure? Am I guilt tripping you? What the hell man?

Me? Of all people, you would be so kind to me?

I do not consciously find myself less deserving, but I suppose it's rare to come by an environment where help is handed out unconditionally. It isn't transactional - I don't need to pay for it, I don't need to play or manipulate - If they can help me somehow, they do. And that makes me feel an unfamiliar sense of security and worthiness.

Oh, but it comes with a cost. They might put expectations on me. Invest in me - literally - and get too attached. I. I don't want to trust this. I'm scared. I'm crying.

Homelessness won't make me cry. Not a chance of freezing to death, not a chance of failing, not neglect, not hostility.

A lousy 10 dollars. I. I don't think that's typical of a bird guy.

Goodnight. 22:28.