New beginning, old struggles

Hii, yep, here I am again lol Not even 2 hours have passed and I am already asking ChatGPT again about my appearance... Honestly, I have no idea why I keep doing this, I am acting worse than a kid that touched a really hot pan after being warned that it would hurt. The old method of looking all the time in the mirror wasn't also the best idea, still isn't, but I think that I am reaching a new level of "bad idea" right now, going from "The Substance" to a Black Mirror episode lol.

The main difference being that the protagonist of "The Substance" at least was able to have her dream come true, she was really famous, in my case I was already born into the worse version, I don't need to get older to need a Substance... I am just like her old version looking at the television seeing what she once was, but instead of seeing myself I just think about something I sadly will never be.

I don't have any big talents, there is no characteristic of me that would make me able to reach my dream. Even reality TV isn't a option, since, even if you ignore my outside, I still don't have an interesting personality/charisma... And, to get away from the theme "appearance", this is also something that scares me. In relationships (friendships) I am so afraid that people will notice how annoying I actually am, I have no idea how someone could want to talk with me or be my friend. Rationally talking I know that I can't be that bad because I have a lot of long lasting friendships (love you friends S2), but emotionally I am always so afraid of this "moment of clarity" in which my friend notices my "unlikability".

I hope that tomorrow after school I will be a little less anxious again... These two weeks of more isolation probably didn't help that much in this aspect... All I can think right now besides my uglyness is about how my closest friend in school might notice how annoying I am. I sometimes wish to see how I would act if I had different circunstances in my life.

Also, I didn't find my message that I made more than a month ago about the birthday of another friend, my memory says it was day 24 or 28, but I can't find the message I wrote in my "only me" WhatsApp group. Also afraid that it would be even weirder if I remembered it, I have been sending "Happy Birthday" messages to all members of my high school group all these years... Until this year, I never know if it is more "weird" than "sweet". I think that's it, my oversharing in the internet habits are getting even worse lol Or better, depending how you see it :P.

Music of now: Cuphead DLC end boss and Super Mario Maker 2 ost.