“i’m breaking out im breaking out feeling my faith erode”

it feels like summer, like depression, like growing up again. i’ve never grown up. i’m 14 going on 40 with the maturity of an adult who’s got nothing on their resume - hidden all their experiences -  and i’ve got the emotional capacity of a table spoon. oh adults forget much but kids leave lots and teenagers hold all. he calls me his “chi-chi”. he’s a little baby who can’t say much right and holds the sun in his eyes. he’s my own boy in the bubble. i’ve gotten rejected for the first time and ive gotten my first ever girlfriend all in the same month. u love and u lose u forgive and forget. i don’t forget tho. and i hold disdain still. platonically is cool. it wasn’t for her tho i guess. i get it, i grasp the concept of rejection. it seeps into my bones and im reminded of a time before i had grown up for the first time and wondered what falling in love felt like. i wondered why these young boys had devoted themselves to me just for me to be scared and treat them bad. but i realize thats what love is. i’ve realized thats what hurting someone is. i’ve realized thats also what growing up is. as a child, u grow up for the first time. but then once ur an adult, ur scared and stricken, so u repeat ur history but in a different manner. u believe becuz u’ve done it once-u aren’t doing it again. but fear takes multiple forms. so does hurt. and loving and lusting and caring and spiting and all the other lists of crime u’ve commited to. it’s all different. and no matter how similar the feeling it’s always gonna be different. 

- breezy , 4/25/25