my favorite point in my life cycle | 4/21/25

improvement

sorta

i did things differently towards the end of today. i'll explain it in a sec. but, in short, any intentional change in how i exist is an improvement at this point.

today i:

• got up at 7:00
• even though my uniform era is supposed to be over, i wore a boring outfit today. [cargo pants, miku tshirt, black hooded jacket.] i was exhausted and very sleep deprived so it made sense.
  
• got to school around 7:45
• talked to some teacher-friends about my spring break experiences. it was nice socialization to help me cope with the oppressive waves of tiredness i would get every time i thought about it.
• 9:00 1st period start. just kinda sat and didn't think too much.
• that continued for the rest of the school day. for maybe an hour i truly tried to push myself to work on things, and that was good. effort is good.
• during stats i sat next to someone i liked. gosh i'm surely too old for this.
• 1:30 went home.
• did some chores and turned off my malfunctioning oven, which probably would've caused a lot more trouble if i didn't get home so early.
• ate some food with my cat in our front "yard." there's no grass, it's just a small area that we have.
• took a semiconscious nap on the ground outside my house (with my cat!)
• 3:00 went inside and lay down some more. i did not actually sleep at all.
• 3:30 went back to school for music program/class. mostly just socializing with good friends while others in the program make important decisions.
• 5:00 went home
• summoned the will to change clothes and eat dinner
  
• some nice small talk with mom
• 6:00 listened to some of my favorite piano pieces/improvisations (erik satie, barry harris, thelonious monk, bill evans) while writing out a life update for a friend. also intentionally sat and did nothing while listening to music.
• 7:30 worked on my duster type song
• 9:00 lay in bed and listen through tomoyuki asakawa's endless tide. it's one of those japanese-composed relaxation pieces... a 44 minute record of heart-wrenching harp, piano, and cello.
• 9:45 i write this blog

the school day was pretty damn miserable... not necessarily because my body ached from sleep deprivation but because i knew i was just falling behind more and more with how unproductive my time was.

but even then i had moments when i tried. i pushed myself.

and when i got home, i avoided cheap satisfaction like the poison it is.

i took care of myself, even if it meant falling behind.

i dressed comfortably. i ate healthy food. i listened to pretty music. i sat next to quiet and tired people like me. i spent some time with friends during extracurriculars and i checked in with my mom to make sure she doesn't think i'm depressed.

i spent the free time i would've spent rotting intentionally doing "nothing". just soaking in existence and the intense feeling of exhaustion while letting my mind run around.

and i even worked on writing some music, so... yay!

the punchline is that i avoided repeating my typical mistakes and was rewarded in a richer sense of contentedness. even if i'm still falling behind and soon to spiral into anxiety.

sigh

damn am i tired.

but i've been unable to sleep. 

typical feedback loop between failure and deprivation... the more i fall behind the more upset i get... the more i splurge on cheap satisfaction cope and the more indisciplined i become... i lose more sleep and time and energy... and the more i fall behind...

tomorrow's gonna suck. i have the opportunity right now to catch up on work if i try. but i'm reluctant. i need to unlearn that reluctance. but i don't think i can do it just by forcing myself to do work when i'm exhausted and anxious. then again, when am i not at least one those two things.

.........

while laying around and doing nothing in particular, my mind runs a lot. and at some point it clicks and i realize my mind is running and i'm just watching it go and go and go.

whenever i'm super tired is when i practice the most self-care and mindfulness. man.

i think i'm gonna go reply to some messages and then lay in bed. "and force myself to take some chem notes," i want to say, but i don't know if i'll actually force myself. gosh am i so weak-willed sometimes.

welp

goodnight spacehey.

- francis t.