6 || Fast Changes

CW - i talk about weight, bmi, the fat-free mass index and body fat % in a fair amount of detail in paragraph three. Skip that paragraph if it bothers you in in way!

So in the course of one month I lost my job, my car battery exploded, my sister decided to travel the country with her new girlfriend and transferred her cheap-ass condo over to my name, and gave me her car. Then, her car died on me multiple times and is completely falling apart on me, and my roommates are too perfect.

The car has a faulty alternator, the front bumper is dragging against the drivers-side front tire - damaging both the tire and the bumper - and the transmission hates changing gears. My roommates keep cleaning and reorganizing which would be completely fine if I didn't have severe OCD and they kept doing my tasks and/or chores and also fucking up my house (they have tenant rights because they pay rent of course, but it's mine and my fathers name on the lease). I've had to have a few conversations with them I hope it will quell out soon. They might just be nervous about pissing me off by leaving the house dirty, but they're pissing me off because I'd rather just clean it myself. Additionally, when I find myself anxious and in need of grounding or a distraction I have nothing to clean, and have to find other (non-destructive) coping mechanisms or give-in to the compulsion which would put me back in my treatment.

My new job is also a little bit more laborious than my old one which is making me realize how much muscle mass I've lost. I've been doing some research into muscle building and nutrition and a buuuunch of other stuff. I'm going to try to lower my BF% to 11-13% (this is unhealthy and i don't recommend this, I'm only going to try to get that low because I'm already fairly close and I'm planning on taking a lot of photos on my birthday at night, so excess muscle toning will be desired for the photos to look the way I want - I'm also not planning on maintaining that for more than three weeks to a month maximum!!) and gain about 10 pounds total, which of course would be muscle. I was doing research and I found a YouTube video by Sierra Roselyn that goes into fat-free mass (FFM) and the fat-free mass index (FFMI) which seems like a much better way off keeping track of muscle gain/loss and fat gain/loss. It does mean that I'm paying much closer attention to my body than I usually do, which can be dysphoric at times. I don't mind my body though, it's nicely proportionate and from my understating very aesthetically attractive. 

I hope that I have a better summer than I have spring thus far, because I usually have pretty bad warm seasons. I have seasonal depression where I get super depressed in the summer months, usually starting at the beginning of March, in full effect by the end of April and then I'll have my super low-low from late June to early August. I know how to take care of myself and force myself to stay hygienic and healthy, but sometimes I fall off the program and just want to stare at my bedroom ceiling all day. It helps to have a dog since I'm not just responsible for myself I'm also responsible for her. I think this year will be a bit better.

I also really like my condo! My sister grew up here, and I spent a lot of time here too since her mom watched me often as a kid. It's so weird to see all the changes that S (my sisters mom) did to it since I stopped visiting as much, and especially to see all the changes my sister made since she was living here by herself for two and a half years. Additionally, my bedroom is actually the only room I never slept in as a child (no joke, between all three of us sometimes we ended up sleeping in the laundry room during sleepovers - after someone else took the bath of course.) so it's kind of new too! I also live in my hometown again, er, well, just outside of it. It's a half a mile to get back into town and I looove living so close to my old friends! I ran into some of the kids from my dance team in highschool. One of them I took under my wing early on because he was nervous and a lot younger than everyone else (he's three years younger than me, and my best friends little brother) and I was really proud of him. When I graduated he told me he didn't want to be captain because he didn't like how I was treated, and that made me a little sad but I understood. I got cussed out by freshmen, pushed aside by eighth graders, and generally had to deal with a lot of disrespect - so did the rest of leadership - so I wasn't too beat up about it. However, there was another kid I had helped a lot because they had trouble memorizing the choreography. I had to teach them every single set at least twice, and use a different style of teaching each time (xe is a visual AND kinetic learner, and it helped to 'circle talk' when teaching the second time.) Well, they're the one who became captain! Xey told me they other day I was so excited for them! 

okay i was going to keep going but i think that this is a long enough entry for now. i'm going to try to be more active now that my room is set up a little bit better! Bye!