the end of the day is the worst part | 4/20/25

current life summary

• wake up
• do shit if circumstances allow
• get tired
• fall behind
• give into temptation (i.e., gratifying time sinks)
• get tired
• lay in bed
• get consumed by regret
• repeat

see,

by the end of the day i have no more chances at redemption

at least until evening there's still the opportunity to turn things around

at night, the time is already gone

i lament and mourn for it

and it feels really shitty

so i just lay in bed wanting very badly to fall asleep

so that i can get up again to do better while the mistakes still sting like an open wound

and instead i get the punishment of wakeful, conscious, and inescapable regret

so gritty and detailed and painfully real is my regret

no distractions work against it

no pills put me to sleep when it's there

the best i can do is a glass of warm milk and some bread

so sweet and wholesome are they

and so terribly weak

weak white loaves of bread

i love them together

...

i need to unlearn myself

i need to unlearn myself

i need to purge myself by adopting a better self

in other words i need to change and improve

i need to unlearn my brain's ingrained wants and priorities

because i have to adopt better wants and priorities

things that are mentally healthier for me

argh ARGH agh AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

i know what this looks like in application

i just have to actually do it

fuck