Who's really in control?

Dear reader, for your safety read with caution. 

Don't take pity on those who have darker mind.

Who's really in control of you? Is it you , your mind and body or the disease, the darkness of your mind. Are you controlling yourself or is it? are you choosing what your doing or is it? Who is controlling your actions, who is pushing the words out of your mouth and who's stopping them.

You want to be held but you push people away, you've pushed everyone away in fear to hide yourself. So you do not have to unmask your pain and you hide how you truly feel underneath it all because you fear if they see what you really are underneath the glamour they'll leave. Like everyone leaves. 

What if you show them and they don't even know what to do so they leave before you can leave them. So you keep hiding because at least in secret you control the narrative and the way your life goes, you get to breakdown and feel how much pain you want to feel, but do you? 

Here's an example-

Everyone you've pushed away, do they worry? "no."

Everyone you've left because you had 'different' paths in the end or some sort of 'artistic differences', was that true? "of course, it just didn't work out."

Every feeling you feel, is it yours? "yes."

Then why are you so FUCKING empty all the time! "I.. I don't know."

-and there my dear reader is a crack in the glamour, the person in control isn't even a person, it's the darkness. Me calling it "the darkness" sounds like it's some evil entity from some angsty teenage horror film but its not, it's just depression and the horrors of ones own mind but that sounds scarier, no? Haha jokes aside, there both just words on some silly blog about a topic that supposed to make you shy away or continue reading.

Now that choice is yours to make reader but others like sitting in your bed all day, not talking to others for days on end, not eating for days on end, not washing or going out or doing anything, there deeper. Some may just think that's just laziness or a unhygienic person but that my dear reader is the little fuck-wad I like to call depression as most do. It's dark and grueling, you can think your fine but your not. Not doing anything for days on end isn't normal and I know, it can feel like your getting better but your not, you just get worse until everything crumbles down.

I can't tell you how to fix it, it can get worse but it can also get better. I'm not about to go and tell you how to fix your problems because we've all got our own problems and we have to process them ourselves, I've got problems and I ignore them half the time but eventually I'll come to terms with them fully and embrace it. Everyone's fucked at the end of the day no matter how high and mighty they may seem, someone else is controlling them and someone's controlling the controller, its an endless cycle.

You probably thought this was going to be darker with the way I titled it and the way I told you to 'read with caution'. Well that's simply to intrigue you, to make you believe it's worse than it seems, like hiding the truth I guess that's the message of this-

Don't hide.

-Yours truly, Alice Crow.