what is love, anyway?

i mean, sure, we all have an idea of what love is. i had a therapist tell me, in my early 20's, that there are as many ideas and perceptions of love as there are people on the planet, and just as many ideas and perceptions of God. some people say, God is love, or love is God. i think love is a social construct

it's easy to forget that the human drive for procreation is very instinctual and lends itself to our mammalian history. we need to make more of us so we become attracted to certain traits and characteristics in other people. the animalistic urge to be a part of a community, typically with one or a few close members of some sort of family structure, is real

i'm tired of that though. i've heard love is supposed to be unconditional. that if you love someone, you can let them be (or let them go). the only love i've had in my life has been conditional, whether i've given or received it. i'm not saying that's a good thing or a bad thing, it's just a fact

if i look at my family, love is very conditional. we'd been told (my sister and i) that we'd be loved no matter what. but if we acted in certain (undesirable) ways, as children, as teens, as young adults, the love was changed. the love was warped. the love was not really love. it was a bastardization of the concept and lends itself to codependency and dysfunction

i don't blame my parents, honestly. they were basically kids when they had us. i don't even blame my grandparents, or my great grandparents. i blame Pneumodesmus newmani for walking on land over 400 million years ago. talk about generational trauma!

so this flashes back to the present. i'm sick and obsessed and i fall into limerence. i reject what's healthy for me in search of that which destroys me. it's also what makes me a drug addict and an alcoholic. what do you mean, my life could be better if i stop engaging in these sorts of patterns and behaviors? as if i don't already know that, i'm going to end up acting out or acting in as the situation demands

so yeah, i'm socially and emotionally and sexually anorexic. but the other side of that coin is a love-bombing codependent with narcissistic tendencies who wants to control and manipulate other people into loving me because i can't love myself. when i have what i want, i'm just going to get bored and throw it away. how do i break this cycle?

i'm 34, you'd think i'd have learned something by now. but i've been single for most of the time since 2018. i'm extremely jealous and resentful of people who seem to have healthy relationships of any kind. i struggle just being a friend.

blah.

i guess i can't really know until i try. but i can't really try until i do the work on myself to get to a point where having healthy relationships is even an option. enter SLAA. enter CoDA. to an extent, enter AA. enter EMDR therapy. enter all these modalities and support systems for which i feel i've had little progress.

i just want to stop bashing my head against a wall and either be happy single and alone or have the courage and clarity to form healthy, long-lasting relationships that nurture and sustain themselves almost on their own.

either way, that just seems like a lot of work