I Love You, But You Can Go (Come Back Soon!)

In just a few moments, my grandma will leave to return to my uncle's house, where she has been taking care of my other cousins since we were kids.

I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy because they're not her only grandparents. I mean, what about me and my sisters? Are you like some Nanny McPhee who only stays where she's needed and leaves where she's not?

Don't be selfish, I'd retort to myself. They need her more than you do, but that shouldn't mean that she loves you any lesser for it, and I can't help but roll an eye for an answer.

Around 8 years old, I heard that my cousin's parents had separated after their son died. He was my favorite, flicking his toes around because he's crazy about Michael Jackson until we'd last see him lifeless and pale in a bed, dying of dengue.

My grandmother's cries bellowed in the entirety of Quiapo church and I was sobbing with the sisters of my then deceased favorite cousin.

Today, my cousins live with a stepmother, and it's a whole horror anew. "Buy your own napkin, don't be taking things that you don't pay money for.", she once said to my cousin in her period.

Buying food only for their step-sister, calling the cousin I'm close to as a lazybone who only thinks of herself, I can't help but feel selfish to long for my grandmother when I know that they need her as much as to set the mistress in her place. 

"Kailangan nila ako do'n, 'nak." (They need me there, child), she once said.

"Opo 'nay, wala namang hinanakit 'yon sa'min ni Chloe.", (Yes grandma, there's no offense to that for me and Chloe [my sister] )

So here I am, trying to tell myself that it's alright because she'll come back soon in the summer, and hopefully I can bond with my cousins too when they come along.

I just hope that time won't hold surprises that'll leave us grieving in churches soon because I love her, very, very much. And I can't bear to lose another grandma since my maternal one died only in June last year.

I hope your grandparents know how much you treasure them. God knows just how much they treasure us.