easter

its the nicest day out since the world began. saturday night and i am sitting at home on my bed in my jean shorts (don't worry they're clean). it feels like summer. it feels like comfort. its thick in the air. my roommates go out to a dinner reservation. my neighbors host a backyard party. where'd it all go? ...

tomorrow is strange. i wasn't really thinking about it, until it came. when you spend your years loving someone there's a lot of stuff that sticks in your mind. certain dates are some of those things. it hasn't been a year but its been more than half a year. and it would've been half a decade, tomorrow. it feels like i will be thinking about it for the next half decade too. there is a person i am really mad at, and that's the me of the past. i want to shake him and tell him to hold the beautiful things tightly and cherish them. i'm not one to stay in the past. i think about it lots, but no part of me goes back. and i just wonder, through looking at stars and moons, if there could ever be a chance i could go back for just a second and kill that version of me i'm mad at. ... oh well. i will probably think the same of myself now a year from now. and the year after that, and the year after that. but, is that not growth? is that not... self betterment (what a word!) ? it is my first time living. heck, its all of our first times living. theres a lot of wrong ive done with no way to right it. i seek it desperately. to prove i am still good, that i can be good. i want to pick up everyone i've wronged and hug them and change their minds with the power of love and friendship. ... i fear it is not that simple.

summer.. summer.. it hangs in the air. almost taunting. summer in new york is brutally hot. but the right before is wonderfully warm. when i feel like this its almost like its all been some bad dream. wake up we are getting gelato. wake up we are going to the beach. wake up there is laughter. wake up. but i guess that was the real dream. part of me fears, what if i never move on? part of me laughs; why am i going on about the same shit all the time? i guess, because it doesn't go anywhere. it circles around, bounces off a wall, stretches itself, disappears for a moment and pours a bucket of water on my face. i fear it will take a very, very long time. for what, i don't even know! bear with me.

9 pm... no dinner yet. i should get on that. i fear words can only take me so far. but they're all i have. if not words, what else?