the whole being depressed thing.

it's getting kinda old, don't you think?

i think i've been depressed since i was like 12. at least, that's the farthest back i can remember. i actually didn't know it's been this long. i thought i didn't really become depressed until like 2019 until i found a video of 12 year old me talking about how i was so unbearably sad that i couldn't do anything. so i was like "oh, so it's always been like this?" that didn't make me feel better. it made me feel even worse. 

i've always known the "it gets better" motherfuckers were wrong. it doesn't get better. it will never get better. thi is reality now. it'll either get worse or stay the same. no in-between. it'll feel like you're getting better for a second. and then it all crashes down again and you feel 10 times worse than you did before.

it's old. i'm tired of it. tired of waking up and being reminded of how much i hate myself and how worthless i am and yada yada yada. you'd think by how much i hear these thoughts that it wouldn't affect me. sometimes it doesn't. sometimes i feel nothing. but then it all builds up after a while and causes a breakdown. repeat repeat repeat.

i'm so bored of it all, really.

there are depressed people out there that can be depressed and still live to some degree. those people have money usually. they can afford help. they've got support systems and gay shit like that. i don't have any of that. i don't have anything. i've never really had anything of the sort. when i had friends it was short lived. when i had money i either spent it or it was never enough.

ugh.

just typing all this out because i don't really know what to do.

i can't stop self sabotaging i can't stop hating myself i can't stop feeling worthless. blah blah blah. it' all the same. it's always the same. every time i write here i write the same thing. every time i journal i write the same thing. it's boring!

everything is just so boring.