Brie Cheese and Salami

This pantry is full of ingredients.

Apples, oranges, milk, and butter.

Flour, uncooked spaghetti.

Vegetables that have all been long forgotten, emitting a pungent rotten smell.

Individual ingredients, no way for me to make a proper meal.

I can eat just enough to get by, but most days there's only food that's mediocre- or worse.

And on the rare occasion she sticks around to make dinner, by the time I'm there my brother has eaten it all.

It's miserable. I love food. I love good food. And my days are filled with overindulging on one insufficient snack until it's all gone.

I want to sauté onions, bacon, bell peppers, and mix it with an alfredo sauce and fettucine noodles.

I want to make ramen noodles with a mouth-watering broth, topped with eggs and spring onions and spam.

I want to bake banana chocolate chip muffins, the soft and moist kind that melt in your mouth.

It doesn't even have to be super fancy like that.

Salmon on toast. Black bean burgers. Hashbrown patties.

And yet, I find my 3 meals of the day consist entirely of the kind of snacks you'd send a 6 year old off to school with.

At my worst, you could find me dipping saltine crackers into lemon juice for dinner.

Damn, my stomach hurts.

Last night, I found myself looping around to the fridge every couple of minutes, frowning and hoping something sustainable would suddenly appear. 

The third or fourth time, I poked around, and saw something hiding.

Brie Cheese and Salami. 

I yanked it out of the fridge and ran to the pantry, grabbing the chunky solidified honey bottle and picking up a few butterknives along the way.

On the cutting board, I slice a triangle out of the brie cheese, spread some honey on it, and wrap it in salami.

And when I bite into it, I just cry.

It feels ridiculous. The ridiculous kind of tears that even I, myself, can't believe.

It's so simple, it's such a simple combination of food. It's not a good reason to cry at all.

But tears turn to snot, and I cut up more pieces to eat.

Overindulging like a glutton.

Like a fat fucking glutton.

Who can't even control herself when something good shows up in the fridge.

And within the hour, it's all gone...

It's the best thing I've eaten in a long time.

When I'm older, I'll get to make all the food I like, right?

Always waiting. Always on the bench.

Damn, my stomach hurts.