Journal #48

I'm seeing the Hatsune Miku movie on Saturday which I'm pretty excited about. I've been a fan since 2008 and vocaloid was really the first genre of music I truly got into. I never went too deep into the rabbit hole at the time, but by the time I reached high school and I got back into anime, I just dove straight in. I've loved it for years. 

I know it's really the project sekai movie not the vocaloid movie and I only know the base level of knowledge for the game (I suck at rhythm games don't shoot me for not getting into it), so I'll have to ask my sister a bunch of questions throughout the movie. 

I still find myself quite depressed despite things going okay. I aced a job interview yesterday, but turned the position down because it was commission based rather than hourly, stable pay. I'm still working hard on that writing project, I just don't know how or when I should introduce the action/adventure I want to. I might need to focus on world building first so maybe I'll just do that today and practice for band. 

My Ebay busy is dwindling now which sucks. I sold a $10 item yesterday, but compared to what I spend, it's not much. I need money. I need a job. Like terribly. My dad yesterday said "It's about figuring out where you fit" but I didn't have the heart to tell him I didn't really fit anywhere and that's the only thing I've figured out in the past 21 years of life. That's the only thing I know for certain. 

I need to find some way to suppress all this sadness. I don't know what stupid sediment made me question if someone would rather have a better version of me. I don't know what stupid sediment made me hope they'd say no. It's dumb. I'm aware I'm not enough, I am. I hate it. I feel so lost here. I know the concept of what I have to do. It's like having a to-do list with no instructions, no real plan. I feel aimless, but I'm heading the direction everyone wants me to. What other options do I have? I don't know. I really do envy Boyfriend's ability to feel at home anywhere, to let things go easier. I don't know how to be as amazing as that.