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Been years since I last posted here. Feels like I am typing into a cobweb-covered, dust-draped typewriter I abandoned years ago. That's pretty funny actually.
I returned to this blog and this site because I feel the need to confess my thoughts. There are many other social media sites and other possible outlets surely but I feel a certain distress when using them and I don't trust people not to gossip or react to the info I'd like to share. As much as I am distressed, I would also prefer not to distress them as well. So, to the reader, suffer this piece for me, yeah? If there is one...
I am now 24, I feel as if I should have become a 25 year old but feel perpetually stuck at the gateway to my adulthood, literally stuck on the doorway out of my adolesence. I got myself held back (again) and I can feel myself being left behind from my peers yet, at the same time, I feel a great relief that I am not running at the same pace as them. All of my peers and even some members of my family appear to be in great distress, great disatisfaction and suppressed in the circumstances of their lives as adults. Those studying are depressed and linger on thoughts of being suffocated by their studies and the perpetuity of their education while those now in the workforce are struggling and exude the energy of wilted flowers sucked of life. The scent of suicidal ideation and life-sucking stress lingers in the air of many of them. They all feel simultaneously not mature at the same time immature, naive with jobs and responsibilities. It baffles me. No one told me it would be like this.
As for myself. I feel lost sometimes in my age. I feel a sharp regret in my stomach for many experiences and decisions I've had despite my sheltered lifestyle, especially to myself. I look back and think I would like to have done more for myself, had taken the time to meet more people and be a real person to the people who had seen me, to have been more open and less afraid of being open with others instead of shying away. I don't know if it would have helped me feel more ready for a "real adult life" but I certainly would have more funny relatable stories when I actually talk to people.
It's not all bad news. I have taken up a weight loss journey and have invested myself more heavily into my hobby of tabletop gaming and working to maintain the few friendships I have left. They are going pretty well. I lost nearly 10kg in a month and have gained more experience as a game master. The tabletop gaming one is especially fulfilling as it pushes me to be more cultured, reading more books, movies and the like which fall in with the themes of my games.
All in all, I am terrified. I think I am currently under a midlife crisis of sorts. Wondering where I am going and terrified of where I am now. I have not been kind enough to discipline myself for a long time and I fear that this over reliance on motivation to drive me forward will have me becoming just another bum in peoples lives like so many other similar bums I have seen. For now, I just want to do some work before deciding to undergo medical doctorship. See how bad it really is, see if I can get on my two feet as a regular Bachelor's holder. Who knows? I fucking don't.
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twinklelore
Hey,
Reading this felt like quietly eavesdropping on someone’s soul in the middle of the night. It’s poetic, honest, and strangely comforting—even in its distress. It’s rare to see someone articulate the in-between so clearly: not quite where you're “supposed” to be, but not entirely behind either. Just there, awake, thinking, feeling.
You described the modern mid-20s crisis better than most therapists. The way you compared adulthood to a locked door with no satisfying prize behind it… man, that hit. Everyone’s always selling this myth of arrival, graduate, job, grow up, and no one warns you that it’s often just struggle in a better suit.
Still, what struck me most wasn’t the fear or regret, but your clarity. You’re not blindly spiraling. You’re aware. Self-reflective. You care enough to want more, to do better. That alone puts you ahead of a lot of people. And the fact that you’re finding grounding in your hobbies, health journey, and friendships? That’s growth, even if it doesn’t feel like the big dramatic kind. It matters.
Also, I just wanna say, 10kg in a month? That’s insane. Respect. Tabletop gaming too? Game Master life isn’t for the faint hearted. It’s like storytelling, psychology, acting, and management all rolled into one. And it makes sense, because based on your writing, you’ve clearly got the soul of a storyteller.
I don’t have all the answers either, and I won’t pretend to. But I just want you to know your words mattered, at least to me. You're not alone. And even if you’re not where you thought you’d be at 24, maybe that’s okay. Maybe you’re exactly where your story needed you to be.
Keep writing. Keep showing up. You’re doing more than you think.