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i work a lot. almost every day. i don’t know where i’m headed. sometimes i think, this is okay. but i don’t want it forever. april is a strange time. weathers nicer. wear a hoodie and a t shirt kinda stuff. nothing much is going on. there are so many different futures for me. i think about them all the time. 22 feels tiring. i’m still me and i wonder how long i will be me until i change again. i still track my trains and eat peanut butter jelly sandwiches and bleach my hair and listen to bands and have things all over my walls. new friends, new places, new interests. but the other stuffs the same. your cells replace completely every 7 years. 7 years ago i was 15. i remember it. but that person has been replaced by me. in 7 years i will be 29. the me right now will cease to exist. hopefully he will be safe and happy. i hope … i don’t know. i’m very tired. i hope he is less tired. or at least tired in a good way. there are things i want returned to me that are entirely lost. walking to my friends house in freshman year of high school and the walls of her room are still purple. my 17 year old selfs basement where i would sleep on the couch and cross stitch. last summer where everything was vibrant and real and i laughed more than i ever have and felt more than i ever thought i could. it exists inside my brain and in pictures inside my phone i cannot get myself to get rid of, because then it is gone forever, how could i do that, etc. i am like a hoarder for memories. i think and think and think and think.