generally bad decision making | 4/14/25

day 2 of spring break (monday)

today i:

• woke up at 9:30
• put away half of the dishes
• 10:00 met up at church to get talked at about stuff
• put away the other half of the dishes
• 10:30 started cleaning out my closet
• 11:00 left the house to get brunch with family
  
• somehow we were out until like 1:00
• 1:30 continued cleaning out my closet
• 5:30 food break
• 6:00 continued cleaning out my closet
• 8:00 ate dinner with family
• 9:00 worked on writing a mega awesome vocal harmony in vocaloid. i've already written the notes in midi but i need to transfer it to the vocaloid software which is a ton of busywork.

and like this may seem like a fairly productive day, since i kept myself busy wherever i could minus the few hours i spent with my family (which was not my choice).

however

i did not get any chemistry studying done. and i was supposed to do like 10 hours of chemistry work done today.

my first mistake was sleeping in. i had a lot of motivation to work on chem in the morning but i had to leave the house in under 30 minutes.

my second mistake was starting the process of revamping my room today. the end goal of minimalizing my room is to fit a wurlitzer organ in there without making my room feel like a materialist nightmare (or dream?). i'm not getting the organ for another month though so i had no reason to do any cleaning today. 

i started it on a whim but i let it consume my entire day and i didn't spend any time doing chem as a result. de-cluttering my room isn't really unproductive since i'll have to do it eventually but it was really a poor decision given my current circumstances.

just terrible priorities

what's new

...nothing

great

now i have to go into chem lecture tomorrow knowing absolutely nothing. however i could also skip class tomorrow and instead spend the exact same 5 hours doing what i should've been doing today. it's also only 10:30 so i could stay up doing stuff right now but i wouldn't get very far. i could also try waking up horrendously early tomorrow, like around 5, which i might just do since i've gotten enough sleep in the past two nights to pull a shitty one.

i also didn't spend any time doing anything related to university today. i was gonna call and ask them questions but this whole day i've been kind of stunned by the bigger question of "what the fuck am i even doing?"

somehow this thing which totally captivated my every concern yesterday became totally insignificant for today's me. weird.

welp. i think i'm gonna try to get some sleep since i literally plan on getting up at 5 and organicchemistrying.

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[edit]

also i found a lovely youtube channel. their content is all from 2008 and it's all miku singing classical music. i love it sm. here's miku singing flight of the bumblebee. 

someday i'm gonna write a really intense and fast-paced jazz fusion track with miku as lead vocal and it's gonna be "flight of the twin-tailed diva" or smthn.

someday...

god i hate that the future is so rapidly approaching

pretty soon i have to decide whether or not i run away this summer

i'm kinda shooketh about that decision because my mom would be so emotionally scarred

and i would be so financially fucked that i can't currently tell if my odds at university would be 0 or not

i could deal with one if the other was eliminated

emotional scarring for family OR fuck my ability to pay tuition

but both? hell nah.

also about the tuition thing

my thing is that like

i don't think my family is abusive enough for me to stay at a shelter and get documentation for a dependency override. the shelter would probably just send me home.

which is weird to say but it's probably true.

i don't even get yelled at every day

i'm just plagued by anxiety and put under some emotional turmoil regularly

i want to be detached from my parents because i hate the feelings of failure and disappointment and fear and guilt

and honestly i think that would only get worse for the rest of college, especially once they start paying for my shit

and i also think that being financially independent would force me to grow a lot, which i wouldn't mind

and i'd be free in so many ways

but i don't think i could afford university if i did that.

maybe i just go to community college then? and then transfer...

but my gpa is super ass since last semester and this semester i died to ochem so idk if transferring is gonna work out.

maybe i just give this running away thing a shot and see how it goes? and if i don't have the money by the fall to pay for university, i go to community college part-time and save up more money.

hmmm definitely a thought.

okay

new post-high school plan

• run away from home
• stay at a shelter (i don't even know if they can keep me)
• work a minimum wage job asap (gotta check to see if this is even possible for runaways)
• get a dependency override
• take massive loans as an 18 y/o
• go to uni if i can afford it but cc is a good option too

problem is that the documentation i would need for the dependency override would be written proof from the shelter that my family situation was actually shitty enough for me to remain independent from my family.

no way that's happening.

like yeah they suck enough for me to want to run away and forget about them for a while, but they don't suck enough for universities to mark me as independent and give me the associated financial benefits.

whatever, i guess.

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[edit 2]

so i spent some time figuring out how to manuever college without getting a dependency override and it might actually be possible. the absolute worst case scenario is that i take a gap year.

new NEW deluxe post-high school plan

now it is 1 a.m. i have spent the past 2 hours revamping my post-high school plan and i think it's in much better shape. i no longer rely on the finnicky dependency override. yay

i am fucked for tomorrow though

goodnight spacehey