I don't like change

I hate change. Big changes. Like rearranging my room or getting a new bed because the previous one was so overused for so many years that it started to fall apart and squeak when you made the slightest movements. But by far the worst change is losing you. 

It feels like taking daily medication for ages. One that makes you feel better, happier, stronger. One that makes waking up in the morning and getting ready so much easier. One that helps you sleep at night. But, suddenly, I ran out. There were no pills left in the bottle. But I was already addicted, my body was already used to it, unable to function correctly without it. And when I went to get more, they wouldn't let me. I cried and begged, pleading for more, but in the end, I went home empty handed. Lifeless, drained, and without any will to keep going in life. And that is when it hit me. The reason I can't have more pills is because I got addicted. I kept needing more and more. And now, I am facing the consequences and side effects.

Losing you made me realize that I had an addiction. Not to drugs, not to drinking. But to you. I was so in love, obsessed, and addicted. 

I know it's my fault, but I can't stand the change. How we used to talk everyday all day, about the most random things. We could talk about the most boring thing alive and we would still have fun. I miss the good morning texts whenever you wake up, even if that was at 2 pm in the afternoon. I miss the lovey-dovey, sappy couple things like complimenting each other back and forth or seeing who will get the last kiss on the cheek, the constant exchange of "I love you"'s. I miss holding your hand even if we were just laying down, how I would squeeze it tightly and, in turn, you would hold it even tighter. I miss the warm hugs, where I can bury my face into your shoulder and breathe in the same smell I have loved since we met, where I can feel at peace in your arms, where you can embrace me as if the world was ending and you were going to spend the last few seconds holding onto me as closely and tightly as possible so as to not lose me. I miss kissing. How every time our lips met I felt this beautiful, warm soft green light radiating through my entire body. How every time, it managed to bring a genuine smile to my face. I miss your family's delicious cooking, and how every time I tried something new, you would turn to me and see if I liked it. I always loved it. I love how you could always eat my leftovers, how absolutely adorable you looked when watching the video you had randomly put on, chewing your food. How your lips were pursed, how your eyes were wide and shiny, showing off your gorgeous, long eyelashes. I miss going on walks to the same dollar tree we went to when we first became friends. I miss calling almost every night and occasionally hearing you snore. Those nights, I got the best sleep. I miss going to your house and just cuddling. Being with you. Even if we are just laying down watching videos, it was perfect.

I miss when I could text you about everything. The saddest, funniest, and happiest things. When you would say your usual phrases that you said so often that I gained a habit of saying them myself. When you would text me a bunch and when you wouldn't let the conversation end. I miss how you could be my best friend and boyfriend all in one. I miss everything. I miss you.

God, I miss you.

So, I hate change. Change has done nothing but make me miss how things used to be. It makes me regret not appreciating how things were before. It makes me feel nostalgic for things that happened as little as a few days ago. It makes me miss you a billion times more with every passing second of my life.