Journal #47

I'm so sleepy. I want to recover from the weekend today, but I've got a job interview today. It's via zoom so it won't be too bad and at least I've got one, so I can't truly complain too much.

Ever since I got back to California, I've felt tremendously depressed. I cry most nights unless I see Boyfriend. But it's exactly like it was before I left, it just feels worse because I stopped getting used to it and used to sleeping in peace. It sucks. 

I'm working on some junk, but every time I do, I think "no one cares" or "no one will care" and it's difficult to get it done. Plus I've got writer's block and no one to talk to about it to help me through it. I'm sure I'll get over it. It's no big deal. 

I disappoint everyone. I'm sure of it. I'm sure that I do. I don't know how to stop. I can't seem to do anything right even if it's something small. I hate myself. I wake up and I ache because I wish I'd woken up in another body with another name. I don't like even a small detail about myself and I don't know what to do. I tried so hard. I try so hard. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make anyone stay. I don't know what to do with myself. I cry because I want to go home, but I've never had one and I don't think I ever will. 

I wish I could confess to my boyfriend how badly I yearn for a future with him. How badly I want to marry him, but it'd make him uncomfortable I'm sure of it. It hurts. It hurts so bad. I want and want, but I will never achieve my dreams simply because it's me who's dreamed it. It hurts so bad. I just wish to be understood. I wish someone would hold my face and tell me they understand. They know what I mean. They know how to help me. It hurts. It all hurts. 

I want to go home so so bad.