No. 8 - A Much Needed Conversation

1:00AM - Monday, April 14th 2025]

I just left a call with my mom. I missed her, so I picked up the phone. It was a sad thought to think of the moment when she isn't right there to call to vent. So I went for it, and it was a much needed conversation, because beforehand I was having persist thoughts repeating the scenario of meeting my former partner to obtain my things. Enough of that.

I spoke to her about how I missed her, she said she missed me to, and I was able to talk about the persistent thoughts I was having about fixing myself. I want to change, I feel a need to be better because I realized how emotionally aggrevated I was in spite of such small problems. I wasn't taking care of myself, which was contributing further to how I responded to the world. I was angry at a lot of things irrationally as a result, and above all, I wanted to apologize. 

I also realized during this call that it's ok that I made this mistake (though I intend to never make it again), she said that I was still maturing and that this is normal as long as you learn from it. I feel bad. I don't want to carry this behavior with me when I'm 21, 22, etc. So from now on, I will work to develop 1) a secure attachment style and 2) a regulated nervous system. I understand I have OCD, which contributes to insomnia, although it is likely from the high uptake of information I subject myself to everyday. I will change this. How? Hmm. 

I can clear my phone of the ~9,500 photos and set a defined goal of only 1.5 hours of screen time everyday (Excluding therapy since that is +1 hour). If I can accomplish 1.5 hours of screen time everyday, end screen time + music 1 hr before bed, then maybe this will help. Tracking my computer time will require more committment, and I would like to develop a habit journal to track all these things. Also, Instagram is wicked addicting. As I enter my 20's, I would like to rid of the insistent and addictive desire to scroll endlessly. Yes I'm not doing it for hours on end like I used to, but even 30 minutes of it sets my brain and my day back. I think I should commit to journaling more so I am content with my life documentation. I'll post major things, or maybe not have a social media presence at all, or if I do, it'll be to make it more of a modeling career / influencer thing and not just for shits and giggles.

That's my blurb of the day/night. Everything will be ok. Focus on you, said mom.