losing the love of your life changes you

Losing the love of your life changes you. You lose that spark that you used to have. That warm gentle happiness you had even in the darkest moment of the relationship because you were still so in love that no matter what, you were still in a relationship with the love of your life. You were used to the daily texting. Good morning texts, worried texts when you seemed off, even just random texts, etc. Holding hands, walking together, spending time together, group projects together, etc. Hanging out together in private and sharing intimate, beautiful, memorable moments. Everything was so beautiful even when you started to argue more and more. Deep down you knew the arguing wasn't permanent, so you knew that you shouldn't give up. Until you let your mental health get worse, and worse. Until it starts hurting the relationship. Until it ruins everything. Until you lose the love of your life. 

Within the first few days, you lose a considerable amount of weight, your eyes are constantly red and look lifeless, your mind is the most disgusting conglomeration of depressing thoughts and regret for how badly you hurt the relationship and your love. Nothing brings you satisfaction anymore. Not even when you eventually talk again and agree to stay friends. Because now it's different. There is no more love, no more joy. It's just pure, negative tension. You have a sickening anxiety in your stomach all the time, and your mind says they will probably ghost you after a while. You know that it will never be able to go back to how it was. They don't love you like they used to, they don't want you anymore. They are moving on while you are stuck, mourning the loss of your love.

Instead of joking around, laughing, and adorning a light confidence because your love always compliments you, you drag your feet everywhere, head down, almost forgetting how to smile. With every passing night, nightmares affect you more and more. It gets to the point where you don't even want to sleep anymore because you know that even sleep will not protect you from the horrible pain you feel all the time. You know you love them, they know you love them. You'll never be able to move on, with every new person, every date, relationship, even marriage. You'll always be wishing it were them. You'll look for them in every new person. You'll never be fully satisfied with anything or anyone now that they are gone. They will forever be your first love, the love of your life, the one that got away.

And the only thing you hope and pray for, the thing you would die for, is to have them back, so you can restart and do it differently. So you can keep them forever.

You'll eventually forget the feeling of genuine, true happiness because you really only felt it with them. You'll remember their voice, scent, favorite color, birthday, little phrases they would say, and so on. But you'll forget what if felt like to be so happy and in love. 

I still love you and I always will, D.A.S.F.