doomed

IF YOU KNOW ME IRL PLS EXIT THIS BLOG!!

I don't even know how to start this really, because is more of a feeling that i have that's bothering me, and i think that is the hardest basic thing to write, for me at least-- an emotion. I feel guilty like never before. You know that very popular trope(?) that goes like this: I became what I swore to destroy that's exactly what is happening to me.

The person that i love-- I did him wrong, excrutiatingly wrong. I can't talk to anyone about this actually, i'm so ashamed of it, i don't think i'll even mention it here. I will never forgive myself for this, and it's not like i never did anything bad before, or hurt someone else, of course i did, but i didn't feel this guilty, ever. I care about this person a lot, I really do, but this totally foolish mistake of mine made me be ashame of admitting my love-- it's not like i don't feel it, but i don't think it means anything anymore.

I hung out with him yesterday, at his place, and well, for me it was awkward, for a bit at least. I could barely look in his eyes and speak at all. I know I lost his trust, rightfully, and it'll be hard to gain it back, espacially that i am an individual that's full of anxiety and shit like that. He told me 'I love you' one time yesterday, and I was or wasn't about to cry in that moment. He loves me? He loves me? 

I was nothing but brutal and a hypocrite, and he now says that.

I know that he loves me, but I did nothing good to deserve his love.

I think that the only thing that'd make me feel less guilty would be to have something bad happen to me, that wouldn't be self-inflicted. That night, when it all went downhill, I was at a friend's for her birthday, and I stayed overnight. I couldn't really sleep, I was thinking about what I was supposed to say or do the next day. I got to a point when I kind of prayed(i'm not a religious person at all) for the house to set on fire and for me to burn and feel my flash detach from my bones, still, it wouldn't be enough, i think.

Last night i was sick and i puked a lot, same for today, and as my state got worse, I felt satisfied that I'm getting what i deserve. Now that I got a little better, I still feel the need to be sick, and to suffer. I want someone to beat me up until I'm bleeding on the floor and i can't get up from the pain, but i want to still be alive, so that the suffering won't end at that point. Death is the easiest punishment for a huaman-- living though pain reprents, maybe, a worthy punishment.

Right next to my bed i have a photo of us, I taped it to the side of my bookshelf. It was from a concert we went to. As I write this, I take a peek at it, well, I looked at it the whole day, however, yeasterday I couldn't even think about it seeing me. It haunts me, in a way that i like. I could fall to my knees before it and start crying and apologizing like i did yesterday, but that wouldn't do anything. If only I had the courage to beg for forgivness ike that to his face. 

I am surrounded by him everywhere in this room of mine, there isn't one thing that he hasn't touched. 

I have homework to do due tomorrow, and i can't do it. It's not like I can't do homework when i am sick or something, but i have to write an essey about promises. Ironic, right? What am I to do now? I think I'm gonna torture myself through it, and that's that.

Even if i receive his forgiveness, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself.