my very own cooking show

Sunday, April 13, 2025 - 12:38 AM

i think i eat too much sugar. if i went to the doctor and they told me i was pre-diabetic or had diabetes i wouldn't be surprised and honestly i don't think that would stop me. i'm here for a good time, not a long time, as i've heard people say and i like to say myself.

i think things are better. there is love in my heart again but there is stress in my head. i can't escape the busy-ness but i can see the hourglass running lower and lower and i can soon be happy again. i can see some dreams slipping away but not far enough away to where i cannot grasp them. they're floating downstream, i just need to remember how to swim.

i spent time with a friend yesterday. it felt so wonderful. i felt so happy. i think there is happiness and beauty in the world. like when it rains. it rains so heavily and i love the downpour. sometimes i wish i were a plant in the rain. that's how it feels sometimes, when i am with my friends.

i am perpetually exhausted and fall asleep too late and wake up too late. i should be asleep now but my mind is rushing and i have things to do. i forgot what day it was, it was bewildering. like it was summertime again and the days slip by like honey dripping off a spoon in a sticky golden coil and the calendar is obsolete and all i can imagine is the sun on my skin, the color of the honey.

i want to cut and dye my hair. i always tell myself i will grow my hair out but it gets to an awkward length and i hate the way i look. i want it short and wispy and boyish. like alice cullen from twilight or lady from devil may cry. i want to look as interesting as my mind. at least i think i'm a fairly interesting person. or so i've been told.

i spent a lot of money the last two days and didn't feel guilty. birthday presents and groceries and i didn't feel the pang of financial loss. i was comfortable and i enjoy my new food and the future smile on the birthday boy's face. i hope he likes it. i know he will.

i think i am ok right now. i will be more than ok soon and that is what is making me ok. because i know it will all be over. my stress and pain. i fucked something up the other day and have no real way to fix it. i can only wait out the meeting. but i'm honestly not that worried. unfortunate, but not devastating or detrimental.

i am still always hungry. very hungry. hungry as i'm writing this. i know what i want to eat but i cannot stay up too late. i have so much to do tomorrow. work and then play and then work again but it is manageable and it will be ok. i have visitors later this week. i'm excited. and tired. so tired. i want to be a cat sleeping on a blanket. meow (good night)