since our last talk....// I flipped a Coin

a couple days ago i flipped a coin with everything on the line

recently a lot has happened, and its a lot to type so ill try to paraphrase.

in the past two (maybe 3) months, 
i got a 22 thousand dollar scholarship to one my favorite schools, Alabama A&M
i found out that my girlfriend of 17-or so months cheated on me, got drunk and left my house to which my mother found out, and made two new friends who were women (same day)

talked with my now ex girlfriend about the issue to which she showed me text of her talking about how amazing he made her feel with his words and how she regretted it afterwards

found out some of our mutual friends kept it from me on purpose 

found out that my ex girlfriend was pregnant with my child because (from her account) when they had sex they used a condom and it did not last even 6 minutes

i found i didn't get into my dream school, found out she was also talking to another person from and entire diffrent school in the couple days we were not together

she attempted suicide and survived, killing the baby, and she called her ex-boyfriend who used to physically abuse her and he brought her to the hospital

my ex-girlfriend from my sophmore year of highschool confessed her love for me, and this new girl also confessed her love for me

my ex who cheated on me is begging for me back while also talking to my friends about how it was my fault and i "had it coming" because i neglected her feelings

i find out that the guy she cheated on me with is saying that they fucked raw for at least 20 minutes and he def came, and also found out it was apparently a lie

i find out she "pranked" my closet friend by coming onto him and trying to get him to say he'd fuck her and he went for it, then tried to blame me for telling the girl he was talking to even though i only did so cause he lied about it and i was partially forced to

lost one of my friends

my ex girlfriend from sophmore year is thinking for us to talk less because she is in a relationship but still kind of wants me, and we both are fucking it up

and that isn't even including all the senior activites i have to do and my college stuff and fees and all that jibberjabber 

so

as you'd imagine

my brain is a little frayed 

so recently i did something 

i flipped a coin 

I believe that I'm here for a reason and that reason is whatever fate befalls me and i know that because of coins. a coin flip is a perfect way to find out if the universe is in your favor. every thing is up to chance, from if it'll rain to if the blue BMW on the side of the road is aware enough to not kill both of you. so i decided to take chance.

on an oh-so lonely night, i was not sad but 200% not happy.

my mom has a very tiny gun but i did not know where, but low and behold it was in her car.

i didn't find it cause i was looking for it, i was just being nosy cause i was home alone.

but there it was.

i don't know what came over me but i decided to put the gun into my mouth.

there was an incident where my precious niece had also found this man-made weapon a couple months ago. she did not have it for long, only about 8 seconds but she had it for long enough. after that my mom hid it kept the safety on. 

but it was so long ago?
who's to say that it was still on?

this was my coinflip, a clear 50/50

everything that happened to me in my 17 years of living all led up to this moment.

the spit was sliding down the barrel now and i felt like crying.

my hands were shaking, i still had not checked to see if the one switch was flicked up or down.

my head cleared and in that moment i went against all instincts.

click click

safety was on and the world decided to let me live again.

and now im writing this.

the end

I 

FLIPPED

A

COIN