Where am I

This blog has seen a lot. At one point it was my only solace, before my first relationship, before my addiction to marijuana, before my ap portfolio, before a lot of things that made me who I am today. Now I sit here, behind a new monitor and a new computer with new friends and a new job and etc., but In the moment I'm beginning to feel a new, more mature kind of isolation. I desperately need to get my driver's license so I can bring myself to a new place, go visit my more far off friends, and hopefully give myself enough control to do something with myself. I've always been given "freedom" to do whatever, but the more I hear that, the more it sounds like an excuse to not give a shit. Freedom to spin myself out on drugs and learn from the mistakes I guess. Right now I'm spending most of my time sober (thankfully) and sitting at my desk at home, or going to work for a somewhat demeaning $13 an hour. It feels like I'm trapped in an infinite teenage life, which was super fun for a while after graduation but at this point I need something more. I could move out, live with my sisters, but then I'd be giving up spending time with my friends, my job, my pets, my room, my high speed internet, etc. I'm constantly holding myself back with unfounded fears, and my anxiety is starting to spike back as I struggle to feed myself and manage my life at the same time.

I apologize for this post not being structured well, It's been a long time since I've kept up with this blog. Maybe I'll come back to it, write out my woes like I used to. It'd probably help me feel less insane. Hopefully get my thoughts straightened out enough to figure out how to get into a relationship again. I have this impossible yearning that makes me feel pathetic and stupid but maybe if I can gain the freedom of driving it'll feel less like that. Transitioning and being interested in someone at the same time is really not a fun combo.