No. 7 - Inevitable Change, and oh, How Two Years Will Fly

5:17PM - Friday, April 11th 2025]

I think it would be best to update this blog because my last post was very sad. I do not feel nearly as bad as I did back then. It's April. It passed so fast, yet it slows, when I drink coffee (sometimes). 

I've done some deep thinking about my future. I'm crafting a routine for myself that has helped motivate me to stay alive, and to work on being alive, because anybody can go through the motions. For the first time I actually admitted to having gone through the motions for 4 years of my life in high school, and although my life drastically changed for the better in that moment, I don't think I was ever truly present. I can be present now. I have a lot going, and although it isn't exactly what I want, I hope my spirits and belief that things will mature into fruition over time outlasts any ill feelings about the present. I am going to start with The Artist's Way exercises because I have been wanting to get back into art and music for a while now. When I make a guitar cover I'm proud of, I'll probably post it here if I can. Future me is looking forward to it.

I can admit now that at one point, I was far too in my head, fantasizing and staying content with the romanticism of a new life that would just suddenly spur out of nowhere. But now, as I take more steps towards being in charge of my life, it stops. I am still as detached, flightly, and excited by endless direction as I was before, but now, I take the steps. For example, today I did a 10-minute mobility exercise that actually helped make my pains and tiredness go away. Then I did a 30 minute workout. 

It was a bit hurtful to see I couldn't lift much weight. But then again, it has been a while. What matters, though, is that I continue. I am now attaching both daily mobility and bi-daily workout time to my schedule tracker so that I stay consistent. 

This blog will be one side of the coin that will, in the future, be my testament to achievement. I decided during my goal-setting moment that I wanted to document the evolution of my accomplishments in a journal, titled Canticum Hevel*. Shoot, I never wrote it down anywhere, but this means "Song of Abel" – a hymn ["...a form of worship; they serve as a prayer of thanks and an expression of commitment..."] inspired by my story. One I hope to carve. I look up to people who are in my life now, and those who I never got to meet. It made me cry, actually, when I read a quote from Ben Barres, saying, "What's frustrating is that there are so many things I won't be able to work on. There are so many things I wanted to know." I look up to him. I want to inspire change, revolutionary work, and I am trying my best now by establishing a solid foundation in my subjects. I have two years of my undergraduate education left. If I reap anything from this, I hope it is that by taking an unconventional, yet powerful path into understanding and applying myself in my field, I will make an excellent individual in any space I occupy. I want people to be excited in my presence because they feel safe expressing their ideas, and trusting they will understand both themselves and the ideas we come up with better after a discussion. I want to create on my own, but I want to bring influence to the world in the way that I interact with others. Of course I can want to inspire others, but I think that in order to do that, it starts with honing myself into the statue of Samothorace that I am aspiring to be. It will be realized, I affirm, in time. 

Life goes on. A cup of coffee today. And some chocolate, too. 

*Final Note [On expanding the explanation of my future journal]: "The translation of Hevel (הֶבֶל) as "breath" is deeply evocative—it captures the fragile, fleeting nature of existence. In Hebrew, Hevel can mean vapor, mist, or a mere exhale, something visible for only a moment before dissolving into air. This imagery resonates in Ecclesiastes, where life itself is called "Hevel of havalim" (vanity of vanities, or breath of breaths)—not just futile, but transient, like a sigh against eternity."