were you bullied as a kid?

Friday, April 11, 2025 - 2:17 AM

today at work my coworker asked me if i was bullied when i was a kid. she told me that a "dope ass" personality like mine was always the product of severe bullying as a kid. maybe so. i was verbally, emotionally, and physically abused as a kid. is that product of abuse why people like me?

the next few weeks will be hell for me. so so so busy. i realize i have been eating worse and worse, craving the least healthiest foods possible, because i am aware that it is bad for my body and i want it to kill me faster. starving myself is exhausting and takes too long. i'll wait for my heart to cave in. i can't seem to gain wait.

i want to go outside. i want to spend my life on a farm, on a porch or in the grass and feel wind and smell pollen and dirt and find bugs in my shoes. i want to wade in water and let it envelop me. i want to suck up every ray of the sun. i want to reconnect with the earth and life. i need to get away from man-made horrors. 

i've given up on trying to sleep. if i never slept again, i wouldn't mind. i just need to get work done. i just want to have fun. these blogs will be less interesting when i'm happy again. if that happens. this is so weepy sad. oh boo hoo my life is actually great i'm just stressed with schoolwork boo hoo people like me and i have a loving partner. doesn't make me want to run away and/or kill myself any less. how would you feel? i'm sure you'd have a lot of anxiety. everything is perfect, the smallest thing would make me spiral. i let myself spiral when things are perfect, so that when things get worse, i don't feel any different.

i want to be everywhere and nowhere. i want to spread myself thin over the world like a tight seal and i also want to shroud myself into the tiniest, most remote corner. i want a life of seclusion and peace and i want the recognition of the world. respect or reclusion? choices, choices.

the juices trickled before, but they're flowing now. they're flowing down down down. gushing. i can't stop it. i want the juices to run dry.