11-04-25 california

ive been missing california like the motherfucker lately. it's been so goddamn cold here. we had one really nice day a couple weeks ago, and the way the sun hit my face and the breeze struck me felt like godsend. still trying to ride that high despite us having snow for the past 3 days (it's spring, what the hell dude). i was born in cali, and god almighty do i miss it. the beach, the waves, the hot summer days. palm trees and soft sands. ive always thought myself to be a winter person. i love a good snowy christmas, typically cant stand a bright day. but lately, idk, maybe it's just me getting older, but each year i seem to tolerate the cold less and less. i just want to go to the beach. i just want to feel the pull of intense currents dragging me around. the violence of nature has always been very compelling to me, not to be an edgelord or anything. the complete lack of control you have... it makes you feel so insignificant but, in the same vein, unites you with everything and anything. i wish i was young enough where my friends would still LARP as animals with me. that was a favourite pastime, especially when at the beach/lake. when i went to florida a couple years ago for my spring break, we went to the beach after a wicked storm, and the current was so rough it would pull me off my feet when i'd try to stand. in hindsight, completely fucking irresponsible and dangerous for us to be in the water; but, i was so giddy the whole time. i kept imagining myself as a selkie, dipping into the waves and pulling my fur coat over myself, disappearing forever into the depths in the form of a seal. consider this me baring my soul to you. right now, i dont think i want to step foot in america, but i hope this reign of madness ends so i can feel comfortable enough returning to my home.