10-04-25 misc. stress

i havent had much to say lately. that isnt to say there isnt a lot going on with my life right now, because there is, but ive been so mentally drained and school-focused that blogging has taken a bit of a backseat mitigating the off-hand tumblr post.

my brother is back from the military, medically discharged, and plans to cut off our psycho dad (finally). i cut my dad of 4(?) years ago. apparently, while my brother was staying with him, he was begging to get back in contact w/ me, asking that he (my brother) make sure i get the letter (that i burned), and is also just a crazy conspiracy theorist now. not shocking. my brother is like pretty emaciated and sickly right now. it sucks, but it's good to have him home, and have the real person he was back before he became my dad's proxy during his teens.

school's been tough. im managing. i did really enjoy my bio class despite the level of pressure i was feeling the whole time. ended with a high A (was hoping for an A+ but i completely bombed the exam unfortunately, is what it is). to be honest, i feel way less pressure with my chem class b/c i have never been very skilled in that subject, so i have less expectations for myself. still going to aim for that A+. the university i want to go to has a cut-off at a 2.6 gpa but zoology is extremely competitive so, need the high grades to get noticed. maybe my sob story essay will boost me a bit, thats kinda the only good thing i got out of my childhood LOLLLL. emailed my bio teacher thanking her for everything she did to aid me in the course and havent heard back which is fine, im glad i sent it. im planning on making her some more science-related paintings when im less busy/stressed out. maybe over the summer? 

speaking of, the most consistently good part of my life right now has been my art. im in the process of planning out a visual novel that i'll draft out over the summer. i want it to have a really watery though opaque aesthetic. i can see it really clear in my head, the exact way i would like it to appear, how characters would be animated, abstract backgrounds etc. made a playlist for music inspiration and all that fun stuff. my best friend is a music major so, if i actually end up pursuing this and not abandoning it due to my incredibly lackluster attention span (thank u short-form content), i can get her help in that department. and my brother wants to code video games, so he can at least help me learn coding if hes not willing to do it himself yk. not gonna jump him with that until i have a full revised script + a decent chunk of the art done so i know im actually dedicated. it'll be fun, i think. i feel weird writing about it here but im trying to keep the pressure off. it's a completely unserious concept as it stands currently. kinda like the summer fling equivalent of one. that is, if i dont end up with a job this summer.

i worked as a developmental editor for a publishing house i dont feel comfortable naming b/c, while i have issues with the handling of my employment amongst other random shit, i would like to be employed by them again in the future potentially. something abt not burning bridges... idk im very frustrated with them rn. the work was easy, im a seasoned editor and it's something i honestly find very relaxing. it comes easy to me. my writing prowess isn't exactly up for display on here, i dont feel particularly inclined to be perfect in my grammar and such, but i will say i am a good writer. not amazing, not the best to ever exist, but good. both of my parents are authors, not that my dad was really all that great but, yk, i had something to aspire towards as a kid. i can shit out essays in under 20 mins like it's no one's business for an easy A, and that's before i even bother editing, if i even bother editing. honestly, for awhile i just got really bored of the medium, all of my art in every field i have attempted becomes formulaic and tedious. it's why i don't do digital art anymore, and why ive been indulging in landscape painting. i do miss screenwriting and poetry. this is all besides the point, i got side tracked. anyway. the job itself became increasingly irritating. though it doesnt matter anymore since the entire project got canned. or, in the best case scenario, temporarily shelved. no more DEI!!! i wont get into to it b/c, again, not trying to burn bridges, but damn dude. at least it didn't affect pay or anything. developmental editing is commission based. 

im actually kinda pining for employment that isn't commission based. so far all of my jobs have been as a freelancer. i try not to feel bad about it as a severely autistic individual; not completely inept, im like a lvl 1 or whatever, but it's bad enough that ""normal"" jobs that can accommodate are hard to come by (and that's excluding the other terrible shit ive had the misfortune of being diagnosed with). the good news is, my mom and i are in the process of trying to get me a service dog of some sort. it's just been more difficult recently since most of those services are US based and, well, we all have been reading the news lately i presume LOLLLL. 

idk this is a lot of bullshit. im glad im in school, i dont enjoy early mornings but i like having a routine. i get to class early so i have an hour of free time to get coffee + paint/draw. opened sketch commissions and they instantly filled up, got me some extra cash for my morning coffee runs, completed them all before my class. im trying to build my art platform now that my work is decent enough that people seek out commissions from me to hopefully bring in some fresh clients. tiktok is an absolute cesspit of an app, but it seems to be the only place i can get engagement of any sort right now. havent tried twitter, dont care enough to build a platform there anymore. we'll see how it goes. i did get some new clients from animaljam of all places, just did a couple quick digital sketch comms and have a painting comm pending atm. honestly, fsr, animaljam's art program allows me to create digitally stress-free. i think it's because the software is so extremely limiting (there's not even an eraser, lol) that you have to get a bit crafty. breaks me out of the sketch > line > colour > cel shade pattern i became accustomed to. maybe one day i'll pick up CSP again, but it wont be anytime soon, probably.

this kinda evolved into a much more long-winded post than i originally intended it to be, sorry. future posts will probably all be on the shorter-side. im trying to find a bit of a sweet spot with these things ykwim.