i hate attention

I recently realized this.. because I always used to seek attention. but I really, really hate being the centre of attention "( – ⌓ – ).. (what ill be speaking about is mostly for public areas.. like school mostly.)  in the past I felt very happy whenever I was recognized, whether it be for art, music or grades. cause I always felt more special then others when I was suddenly given attention and heightened by others. I was very happy to be seen, be different from the other kids.. but slowly that feeling started to fade, and maybe it was even replaced with hatred whenever I was the centre of attention.. cause ive slowly started to question many things more then the people around me. and ive come to this realization that no one really cares.. if anything, theyre just praising you to feel better about themselves.. "ive made her feel special, so now im special, I feel better about myself.".. they dont really care about the achievement or success. thinking back I realize.. most of it was just to be nice. after they speak a few words, theyre going to forget about it. everyone is going to forget about it. and now thinking back its really just eating at me and I feel terrible. ive been given these empty words for so long. empty, because what ive done has never made someones day better, or inspired someone to be better. and that makes all of it feel so worthless, you know? "^-^..  people are so fake. everyone puts on a face.. (including me.. thats probably the more different topic, tho..) now, when I feel happy, when I achieve something or draw a picture I really like, I don't really show it to anyone anymore so that feeling of worthiness stays with me longer. It all goes away when I see them smile and say "woah, this looks cool", just to be nice, when its just average, and the both of the two are aware of that.. ill finally feel im worthy if something I do or write or draw makes someone feel understood, that theyre not alone.. or if their day becomes a bit brighter, even just one person, then that will finally make me worthy. thats when the things I do will matter to me. maybe the attention wont feel like torment.