"At the risk of feeling dumb"

Life has been pretty good this year. I'm 16. I'm succeeding in school, besides pe. I bought purple hair dye. New clothes. Slowly losing weight. Ive gained friends and abandoned my other "friends". My mom got a car. Summer is on it's way, which means visiting my best friends, seeing my favorite band. Learning to drive. My first doctor appointment in a year or so. Changing my appearance. 

Things are changing, I'm supposed to be happy about this improvement. 

Why am I miserable than ever? 

Today was a great day. I spent money at a school festival with my new friend that is so so nice and friendly. Ive gained 2 friends who are new to my bus route, along with getting closer with this other girl who also takes my bus. I'm letting go of my starter friends, these complete idiots who don't even acknowledge me when I'm there but they're getting upset that I'm avoiding and being dry with them. I don't understand it. My first friend, J, has been gone for two weeks because he had surgery, so ive been feeling very alone. Ive been talking more with other people, trying to find a group. 

 think I'm upset today because it's a birthday. For some reason I get sadder on people's birthdays because it seems like nobody really cares. I also get selfish. I'll admit I can be selfish, yet I'm also ignorant of my self care and I dont like myself a lot. I'm a walking contradiction. Get used to it. Anyway... I don't understand why I get so upset. I hate it. 

I hate that im such a little cry baby. I berate my brother for being sensitive and annoying and acting bratty. I'm exactly the same, the difference is I hide it and let it boil in me, torture myself because Im a bad person. Anything can set me off, just like my parents. I dislike that. I hate that Im just like them. I just don't like them at all. I know it's a cliche, teenager hating their innocent parents, those people aren't innocent and I hate how they can fool others. Nobody sees what happens to me. Nobody witnessed what I did. I resent my mom a lot, it's easier to do that with her instead of my dad, because at least she got out of jail and lives with me. She was gone yesterday afternoon through the evening, and if I'm allowed to admit, I thought and prayed and wished that she was kidnapped. Thats all I can say. 

It's so funny how I can easily admit all of my problems through this blog. I know what's wrong with me but then again I dont. My mind is a masochist, loves to hurt itself. I don't understand how I can life my days completely fine, a tiny thing will upset me, and my day is ruined and I wanna kill myself suddenly and my life is a Shakespearean tragedy and the world should care for me. I hate myself for that. Get a grip. 

This is a lie, I'm fine.