For what?

Hello guys, it is almost 4:00 am and I definitely should be sleeping right now, but at least I did sleep a lot more than usual during the day, so I will not be as sleepy when I wake up (at least I hope lol). I should have started to write this sooner probably, it has become my place to let things off my chest, to put an end to the cycle of talking my problems to an imaginary audience and instead write to not so much imaginary online audience. Even then it isn´t that instinctive to just say what I genuinely think and feel, even here I want to make things look more positive, which is becoming harder and harder to do (at least when I am alone).

And not only making things looking positive is on my mind, but also making myself look good, acceptable. I really can´t stop thinking about my appearance and I know how vain this sounds, but that´s exactly the word that describes me: vanity (futility would fit even more grammatically, but since I keep wanting to be someone else, let´s stay with the word that emos used in the 2000´s :P). And I wish this were just another teenager rant, but nope, when I was a teen I even had the maturity to say "let´s wait how I look like at the end of puberty to see if I will still need plastic surgery", or even as a kid I didn´t thought that much about plastic surgery (probably in this case the ideal would be no thoughts at all lol), but anyways I am already 21 years old and just can´t accept what I see in the mirror.

A lot of people are lost when they have my age, but I wish I could just see a tangible good future for me. I may become a teacher (the career I would personally probably like the most out of normal careers), I may even become a doctor, or even better: a genie appears in front of me and gives me my idealized appearance, in any of these possibilities, realistically speaking, I would still feel this nothingness. As a teacher I would still run after being liked by my students, as a doctor my patients wouldn´t be able to cure my need for approval and even with my dreamed appearance, the best, but impossible, scenario, I would still probably always feeling like I am the weird one in social situations and would still not feel complete only by looking in the mirror...

And now we are getting to the point of making this entry with a lot of things I already wrote in my blog: For What? Why study so much if I will never get my looks and never reach my real dream, fame? The answer is pretty obvious, I am not rich and need a salary to survive... And that is something that makes me sad and discouraged to put a lot of effort in my life, "fighting" to live instead of survive would be a lot more exciting. This all was badly written and I need to sleep now, the fear of disappointing people is still enough energy to wake up early, do everything I need to do and put a smile on my face... But the thing that scares my is that slowly even this energy is becoming insufficient to do all these things, for the first time I am not studying everything and just going to the test and even just accepting my not that good grade. Will my energy of fearing dissapointing and being disliked be enough to do everything I need?