DEAR DIARY (OF JANE)
And we are back with another midnight journal! Is it really a journal though if I keep the entry public? I really am a sucker for wearing my heart on my sleeve. I was reserved for years though, and I finally found a decent outlet for my adult angst.
I promise this entry will be nowhere near as dark as my previous one. No description of dead bodies or anything...but the feeling of that night still lingered as I was browsing my Facebook feed tonight. But a certain TikTok was posted to a nostalgia group and it was about 2000's rock music videos with the song "Diary of Jane" as song set to example. I talk so much about emo bands, but I really don't give the radio rock of the time enough credit. Some call it "buttrock", but it can also be called post-grunge or just pop rock. It includes bands like Breaking Benjamin, Three Days Grace, Papa Roach, Linkin Park, Evanescence, etc. This was a huge nostalgia trigger for me. It really gets me right in those feels of when I was first really getting into rock music. This stuff was always on the radio, so I am predisposed to it, and it brings back super specific memories for some reason. This all prompted me to just make a new Spotify playlist of favorites from those bands. I find it funny that I make all of these nostalgia playlists with my 14 year old sister following my account, and most of these songs predate her birth. My nostalgia is gonna look so different to hers when she reaches my age now. But she still has good taste. I have seen The Smashing Pumpkins, Radiohead, Nirvana, Deftones, EVEN FUGAZI in her playlist. She has a playlist like a mixtape of a 90's alternative teen. So maybe her nostalgia is somehow older than my own (AS A F U C K I N G 90'S KID MYSELF). It's actually crazy how close her tastes match up with our mother's, even though she never really knew our mom. My mom died when she was only three years old, yet there's so much of my mom in her. It is crazy, she even looks nearly identical to her.
On another note, when I wake up and after I take Tristan to work, I have to call some car insurance companies to compare quotes for non-owner's insurance. I am looking into buying a used vehicle and if I have insurance by the time I purchase said vehicle, then I can get it registered and get a title asap. This is the last big investment I need to make before I start applying on waiting lists for apartments. I am 25 and I finally have enough of a support system and a good enough income to afford my own apartment. It took way longer than expected...but I am ready. I mean...I think I am?? I want to be independent for good now, but this shit is scary. It isn't like it is hard or anything. I'm gonna have my bf and a friend as roommates so we will totally be solid to pay rent and utilities. My bf gets food stamps cause he only works part time, which is a big help. I make most of the income though. This is my first time with serious budgeting and all of that, I don't know if I can even trust myself with THAT SERIOUS of responsibilities. I cant even remember taking my meds half of the time. How can I adapt? Sometimes I get myself so worked up over this, because this whole time I didn't even think I would live to see 25. I had such a shit hand dealt to me since birth. And now that I am actually in my mid 20s, I don't have a plan. I never bothered to make them when I was a teenager because I didn't foresee me getting this far. Do I want to stay in healthcare? Do I want to actually make an attempt at community college? Do I still even want to illustrate comics for a living? Do I just want to settle down and see where life takes me or do I want to make that risky jump because life is too short to wait for the right time? I know one thing that I DO want is to spend the rest of my life with Tristan. I have known him for five years, and we've been together for 2 and a half...and I know for sure that he's the one. That is literally the only thing I can really see clearly about my future. I am finally at an age where I am mature enough to evaluate things properly. I do not want to be impulsive, but I also don't want to be overly-cautious. I thought finding myself as a teen was hard, but now it feels like there is way more pressure now that I CAN go out and do something, rather than just plan and dream. I'm sure most of adult friends on here can relate.
Anyways, I really have to go to bed soon. I need to be up early and I gotta work tomorrow too. Thankfully in the Emergency Room again, and not in the ICU. I don't need anymore trauma for a while.
Goodnight SpaceHey.
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AlexÆsthetic™ in 2008
Godsmack and Sevendust were a couple of my guilty pleasures from that time, especially the latter's album Alpha from 2007. It was quite taboo at the time to be a scene kid and listen to any sort of alternative rock that didn't have either a screaming lyricist or at least some sort of ties with scene culture (e.g. Paramore, Augustana, etc), but such was the way. For all the things I loved about scene at the time and still reminisce on fondly (clearly), it was highly exclusionary, and rubbed elbows with the same gate-keeping tendencies we derided preps for having.
XxSebastian_SlaughterxX
Three Days Grace was a guilty pleasure of mine back when I was in High School. Back when I was just getting into alternative music, I thought they were emo just because of the way Adam Gontier looked XD.
Even though some alternative people consider them a "lame buttrock" band, I still have a soft spot for them for being literally one of the first 5 bands that helped me develop my taste in music.
And yes, I also blasted Diary of Jane everyday for a solid month back in high school, lol.
For me, it was nu-metal. My mom had cds; Gravity Kills, Static-X, Korn etc. Also 80s pop metal like Ozzy or Metallica. The internet, however, quickly exposed me to everything from funeral doom to power metal to techno, but being a kid, I didn't really act systematically about it.
We both disliked the radio because our "butt-rock" station was both terrible with the choices (actually more pop than rock, like it'd be a miracle if any of those five you listed came on) and was about 65% commercials. I knew TDG, LP etc. more from youtube tributes than from the radio.