withdrawal management

it's been 21 days since I talked to my qualifier. most days it feels like shit. today i got to sleep a lot after the last two weeks being full of overnight shifts (which i'm grateful for but still tired).

trying to reframe things. that it's not that, i ought not fall in love, or that i must fall out of love, but that i have to accept that my feelings for an unavailable person (whatever that unavailability looks like) aren't a reason to keep trying to make it work out in my favor. that's the selfishness of it all, thinking i'm able to control or manipulate an outcome. it's not real love. real, true, honest love would be accepting someone exactly as they are and not wanting to change them or myself. we're two different pieces of a puzzle and that's okay. it doesn't mean we aren't part of some greater work of art, but it means we don't specifically connect to make the bigger picture, not in the way i'm wishing for and pining over.

i'm in the process of writing a new album about my experiences though. The Haunted House. that's what she calls herself, a haunted house. and because of that i pitied her. i pitied her when i ought've accepted her and loved her as she was. she can be haunted. i'm just not the one to go chasing ghosts. not anymore