6-4-25, Sunday

This morning, I fell trying to get down from my loft bed. hand still hurts, but I dont see a bruise. I cant move my thumb backwards without pain.

Waiting for the scaries to leave. but its like theyre set on living in the kitchen. Spent all day scrolling.

Keep stumbling. Dropping stuff. My muscles are really tense. Weird. 

I remembered I had a ceasar salad from yesterday. Just finished it. I think it was still good. tasted fine.

Im just distracting and desensitizing myself. Overwhelming myself with youtube shorts. Anything to make it through easy. 

I find many odd worries in my mind. Fears of judgement for the most mundane things. I wonder whats going on with my balance and sudden clumsiness. This has never happened before. Frankly, i'm scared. I hope its not something awful, like tettanus from that one cut I got. But if it is, then its too late to worry, so im alright. 

I think legend was in my dream again. idk whats going on with him. I have a psychologist appointment tomorrow and im baking cookies with my friends on tuesday. 

Ranboo used to be so cool, I wonder what happened to him. I keep my room dark. I dont care for the outside. Im just passive until they fall asleep and I can get out and eat. 

I made a list of autistic traits I have and where they come from. The combination of PTSD, ADHD, and misaphonia allow me to really fit in with the autistic folk. A lot of people assume im just autistic, but it was all behaviors I developed.

I thought about some things, and realized that I also have very abstract thought. Neurotypical people take me too literally. 

I dunno. Im feeling tired. Blurry. Not fully present. My brain is buzzing with numbness after the youtube shorts. Period cramps. Im as good as asleep, as alive as something decomposed. Just a couple days ago I was climbing and jumping like a cat. Hormones do some crazy things, I guess.

I always get really physically active right before my period. I used to feel absolutely miserable knowing all my actions are controlled by the hormones that aren't even supposed to be there. I feel just as miserable now, but ive grown around it. It became a much deeper misery. A "I will not be able to do anything about this. I have no rights as a minor" misery.

Ive been sobbing about this for five years. Begging. Screaming.

Coped in awful ways. Considered doing more than awful.

None of it has been payed any attention to. 

As good as asleep. As alive as dirt. 

Its too much to take on, thats all. These days, only when my hormones are low again do I think about it at all. Its simple cruelty, but thats how life is. Nothing is given to you, nobody cares. Fairness is made up, all they want is power.

23:45

cold. cold and small. My cognitive ability declines at night. I wish I could control what I say better.

being cold and small is not a good feeling. its a feeling of vulnerability. of fear. I lack the protection to be warm, the protection to be safe. i don't know what to do with the time i bought with my extra strong coffee.