(YAP) You can plan a pretty picnic but you can't predict the weather

Is it bad people come to me and update me on you ? I recently got asked who Zoe is but I didn't think too much as you said you were not ready for a relationship. I don't know what Inside of me today told me to but I decided to investigate from afar I suppose and I found out it's his new GF . I'm not even hurt that he moved on I mean yes and no of that makes sense? But the main reason I'm hurt is due to the fact that he once told me he wasn't ever ready for a relationship and he wanted to come into 2025 being single and working on himself, he told me every night I'm not the problem and I believed it.  He told me every day for a month straight that I was a good person and it had nothing to do with me that "I still love you and my heart will ever hold a special place for you in it . Your special from everyone else and I wouldn't ever forget you" .

This will actually be my last rant / vent I guess on this topic cause I'm tired (respectfully I love you ) but I'm tired of hearing tyrant say that there was no real bond and to get over it . Respectfully try being homeless for a year straight and have someone walk into your life , offer you a home if you need one , be there threw your attempts and threw your mom disowning u , you drinking and being depressed daily and have someone walk into your life during all of that treating you .. like I guess just as a person but to you for the first time you've ever been treated as a person , you've had that before and I haven't it wasn't a matter of "well we exchanged audios , did stuff on the phone and sexual stuff was done and said " it wasn't a matter of that and I don't think you'll ever get that . You like to assume from the bits of pieces I tell you trying to put together a puzzle .

Yes I'm scared of change . Everytime something changes something bad happens in my life I've legit never had a good experience happen without a waiting around the corner so yes I'm scared . I'm scared if I move on that I won't enjoy it and will only think about him non stop (which I have . I haven't told anyone but I was talking to someone but cut it off just cause I couldn't be with someone in the future and still be stuck on some guy that just sits on his PC all day and plays marvel rivals. )  I'm scared that if I actually try with someone again it'll just end up the same way , I open up and tell them literally everything about my life to make them more comfortable as well , say and do things and the day after we say and do these "things" they just leave . I don't want that to happen again yet I'm a 🐈 and weak due to not wanting to move on because of that reason .

I'm not going to use some dating app like tinder or something cause I don't want a quick love situation that's not what your getting at . I don't want that at all . I will admit though I have used about 3 dating apps and it's just depressing I stare at my screen kind of soul less swiping while my eyes look dull like . It depressing as hell and don't ever enjoy that stuff . I want someone forever but I don't want someone that isn't them ? Get it ? Good . It won't be easy for me to even try with someone again due to me self destructing as well as I'ma be honest I just don't see anyone attractive anymore like yeah they could be "pretty" but in my eyes it's just a normal person I don't find them "hot" or "attractive" when I say someone is attractive I mean they look nice but I won't ever full on find someone attractive anymore . I'll try with someone then after like 2 days I can't it's almost unenjoyable.