i’m tired

the only thing i can think of to start this is by saying how much a hate them both. but that would be a lie. you don’t text people you hate asking if you’re still friends. you don’t apologize to people you hate for trying so hard to have what we used to have. you don’t scroll back in your messages with people you hate and wonder what you did wrong.

they said it’s okay. they said they’re sorry for being distant. they said that we’re still friends. so why am i sitting here in my dad’s basement crying and writing this? why can’t i believe that they’re telling the truth? 

we’re supposed to start a band. like all my idols. a will sing, c will play guitar, and i’ll do something. maybe that was foreshadowing enough. my role in the band was already filled. do they need me?

i’ve known a since second grade. i called her mother my own. i was treated like her sister. i walked with her as she told me she hurt herself. she cried when she thought we weren’t in the same class. she was the only person i invited to my 13th birthday. i was at her first show.

c’s the only reason i listen to panic at the disco. i still think of her when camisado comes on. we played volleyball together on the same team. we both had red hair. we watched and debriefed as our other friends argued in the group chat.

as i writing this i keep checking instagram to see if they’ve said anything to me. the conversation is over. of course they haven’t. i just want them to tell me all i’ve missed since september.

i’m scared for the summer depression to start. this summer will be so much worse than all my other summers. because i don’t have them. i might not actually be around for much longer.

i have other friends. why does it matter so much that im friends with them? i think its because they’re the last things i have left connecting me to my childhood. i have no one. i have nothing. they can’t leave. i’ll have no semblance of who i am left.

i wanted them to think i have new friends. new friends from my new school that ask me to hang out every day and i eat lunch with and have classes with. and i do. but they’re not a and c. no one will be a and c.

i want to say more to them. but what would i possibly say? “i haven’t been alive since the last time we talked”? i don’t even think they like me as a person anymore. they wouldn’t. they don’t know who i am anymore. i wanted them to so badly. but they don’t.