what am i supposed to do now?

I get it, if your reading this you probably think this is some pitiful teenage cry for help. 

It's not.

what it is, is a shitty inner dialogue explanation of whatever this is.

 I'm lost, like really lost. The last few years have been shitty and with there ups and downs. I've lost many friends but gained so many new ones. I don't regret that one bit, if I had a time machine and I had the chance to go back in time and change one thing, I don't think I would.

I think I would go back in time to way before all of this even began, Why I'm here in the first place and just go to the beach honestly. I like the beach, the water, the sand between my toes, the walks and the shells I would collect. I miss the beach.

I'm getting off track here this isn't why I'm writing this, its not about the people I've lost or how "terrible" my life is because it not, its great and I love it. It's about me, and that I'm lost, not physically or mentally. I'm more of just confused by my being alive? That's a terrible way to put it but I cant think of anything better. Well I could say I'm shocked that's all this is real, like no this isn't some videogame in my head or a dream.

Like , hey I'm here its me I breathe and walk and talk [if it wasn't obvious to me before] and I'm alive and I have to decide the rest of my life and choose a shitty job ill hate and pay taxes. but back to the topic at hand.

I have no clue what I'm doing right now but I guess nobody does in the end. I just think it would be nice if life came with some sort of instruction manual sometimes though or at least a heads up. Like for example, I have spent the past 4 years doing nothing with myself but sitting on my arse depressed as fuck in my bed and now suddenly I have a passion for life again but I have no clue what to do with it? honestly, fuck life sometimes.

Someone please come strangle me, I'm such bum and I know that but it would help if I knew what to do with myself. I draw but I need more than this, petty I know. I just wish I could play an instrument then maybe someone would listen to what I had to say. People like music I know that not stupid drawings that just show how shitty your mind is and how deranged you are. maybe if I drew pretty flowers but I don't like that it bores me, I like to draw beautiful woman with flowy hair, goddess's. deranged but beautiful/

I like them sad, curious, unknowing, marked innocents. There's something sort of eerily dark about there purity, like no being should be that pure and innocent. I sound like some sort of axe murder, I'm not I just wish I looked like that. There so beautiful.

By the way I'm not hating on my art I love it and I love the way I draw, its cool and unusual I just wish I could give it more than what I have. I think it deserves so much more than my shitty four walls in a dim room to live in.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I would like something to do, summers just around the corner and I have not a single plan. Maybe I'll just go relax and let it come to me instead of seeking it out. 

- Yours truly, Alice Crow.

[ps. I'm not an axe murder i promise, im just a girl.]