Internet Diary 27#

I might start therapy :(

Today I got pulled out of my first period to talk to my counselor.

During the time we were talking she asked me how I would feel about starting therapy.

To tell the full truth I did admit the things I could remember about the year 2018 for me. 

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OH YEAH

I FINALLY FOUND OUT HOW OLD I WAS IN 2018.

I WAS 8 YEARS OLD. 

OMG

I WAS 8 YEARS OLD WHEN I FIRST GOT TIKTOK AND STARTED POSTING.

WTF WAS MY MOM DOING BY LETTING ME DO THAT WITHOUT BEING WATCHED BY HER.

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Anyways

I also talked to her about my bad memory, she is saying that the reason why this is happening could be because my brain used to have a coping mechanism that is now useless.

It’s kinda funny because like a couple weeks ago she told me that my memory could be bad because of stress.

I guess what could’ve made her take back what she said those weeks ago is how I explained my brain would cut out and detach from reality.

That always happens pretty often but what I hadn’t told her is how I sometimes feel like I’m just there to witness everything like a TV screen capturing a show.

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I honestly been thinking way too much about my past today.

A part of me believes that I was neglected mostly by my mom and I hate thinking this.

The neglect isn’t all that bad I believe, yeah I did learn things a kid shouldn’t have at that age but overall others have it worse.

Before I start thinking about my mom to the point I cry, I’ll stop myself. 

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My counselor and I also didn’t just talk about that today.

I told her how I felt unsafe near my dad whenever I express how I didn’t just like boys and also that I don’t feel entirely like a woman.

She told me that my dad doesn’t understand it and wants to but doesn’t know how to express that in a good way.

Or that’s what I could’ve understand when we talked about it.

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I’m gonna go to sleep now

I’ll finish listening to a video about Johnny The Homicidal Maniac tomorrow :p