Journal #46

I've been back in America for about four days and I've been incredibly tired. It's been difficult to sleep alone without Boyfriend next to me, but I'm doing my best to adjust. I forgot just how limited I was here. There aren't any safe buses to take and no way to walk outside without putting yourself in imminent danger. 

I keep thinking "I want to go home!" here even though I'm technically home. 

My grandmother died. 

In February.

I didn't learn until the night I got back and I keep thinking about how nice it would be to curl up into the crook of Boyfriend's neck and pretend she's still alive.

But there's things to do. Boyfriend wants to plan an anime themed event inspired by Mexico City's Friki Plaza (wonderful place btw) and he needs me on the front lines because I'm so well versed in  internet, anime, and con culture. So I'm going to help him with that. We've also got to get the band going here again with my sister so that's something to do. I still need to work on applying for jobs, I've slowed in the past few days and I need to update my resume. I also need to get the ball rolling on my Mexican citizenship as I don't think it'll be sustainable to live in America anymore. I knew things were going dreadfully politically, but shit's gonna hit the fan and the stupid economy is crashing so who knows. I'm so tired. I miss grandma. I miss Boyfriend. 

Since I got back, I've had such an awful stomachache. I've hardly ate at all and I feel queasy. Luckily, it's less bad than it was yesterday so hopefully it'll clear up tomorrow. I'm surprised I remember my keyboard parts for band, but really, it's more like muscle memory. I press the keys in time before I truly realize it. It's kind of amazing. Though I'm sure the struggle will come when it comes time to play with everyone else. I'm horrible in groups. I wish I wasn't. 

In terms of making money, I've had a lot of luck this week reselling stuff on ebay. I've made about $100 which isn't so bad considering I don't have to worry about rent yet. I've been going to the thrift to keep it up and I've had a bit of luck. I also plan on opening a small thrift stand at Boyfriend's event reselling some stuff so I can get it out there. I can maybe make a brand out of it? Something like Rat's Nest would be cool to run or Bookoff. I don't know. 

Since I came back, I don't feel very attached to much of my belongings anymore. It's not the room theme I've grown out of, I'm still super fond of it, but really it's just the amount of stuff so downscaling won't be so bad. Things like my collections are still meaningful to me like my manga or littlest pet shops, but I wouldn't mind parting with some plushies or some of my hello kitty merchandise from the US. I just hope to find some remote work so I can make American money in Mexico. Oh, and get better at Spanish. I only know how to understand it, but not speak it. Not like I'm any good at expressing myself in English anyway. I don't really know if it matters.