Entry #73

i dont really know what im here for this time. i feel like i have so much to say yet not enough consciousness to know what to say or how to say it. my life feels like its at an awkward stage right now. having fun, revisiting old things i used to love, my heart being warmed up again by him, it all just feels so nice and calm, but it feels like something is off. like something is bound to happen and itll be inevitable to prevent it. though ill do my best to make this feeling last as long as it can. my moms been really nice to me recently, like spoiling me and treating me like a kid again. i want to always be a mamas boy. but not in a cringe crybaby way, i just want to be loved by my mom and know ill always have someone. maybe that is the cringe crybaby way. i dont know, it doesnt matter anymore. i feel like i have given up on secrets and just want to talk about whats on my mind. its not like im going to be alive forever to carry on the embarrassment. no one cares anyway what my problems are, its the internet. i could probably confess my deepest desires and no one would care later on. thats funny to think about, since its all i think about. every time i look at him, i think of all the things i shared with him and wonder if hes disgusted with me now that we arent together and its no longer the heat of the moment. but i doubt it even rests in his mind. i think about it though. i think about all the things hes shared with me, but i dont feel disgusted with him. sometimes i miss it. though hopefully ill have it back soon. not rushing it though, just relaxing and dipping my toes back in the water that i missed so much. it hurts to talk to him sometimes. it feels like i worked so much with him and then i took it all away from both of us, and i cant treat us like how i was taught to. like he got me so used to pet names again, and now that were back to friends, its hard for me to not call him baby sometimes. it just feels so natural for some reason, sorry for being cringe about my stupid love life. its just something thats been on my mind a lot recently. i really wanna fucking cut myself again since ive been getting super paranoid recently, but i dont even have the motivation to do so. its like i just want to melt away, to just cover myself up in brightness and let the dark paranoia fade away. i wont cut myself so dont worry or freak out, whoever thinks about reading this worthless blog ,,, im just an overdramatic guy. oh well, tomorrow is another day.