Meaning, meaningless, but why are you so mean?

Echoing, ringing, screaming, buzzing, repeating endlessly in my mind.

Like a soundboard, clicking on individual insults you hurled at me the second it crosses my line of thought.

Or rather, like a warzone, a warzone in my head, and all I hear are the shrieks of the soldiers that have been gunned down.

You respect our mom. You respect your girlfriend. In fact, you can respect all women. But I'm the exception.

I'm so useless, I'm so nothing, I'm incapable of anything. I must hate myself. I'm choosing to be stuck this way. I'm the one that let this all happen. I can't hold it against you. In fact, what did you even do to me? 

You shot without looking, hoping something would embed itself into me. Or maybe you just didn't think. But the gunshot wounds festered anyways.

"You're my sister. By all means, I can act however I want towards you."

I feel... so meaningless.

I feel meaningless.

Even if I explain everything to you. You're so set in your ways, everything to you is black and white and you've drawn a line between us. You're powerful, you're incredible, and I'm just trying to get to you. I'm trying to get to that throne you've clawed your way onto. Right?

Every time we talk, you get me to explain all over again. Like it'll change something, like the world will align and we can be on the same page- me, on yours.

But I really don't need to explain it anymore.

You'll belittle me, and cut me down every day. A switch will flip, and you'll offer me help, you'll wish the best. You'll get revenge, dishing back what I retaliated. And you'll forget the details when other people are around. 

I just don't want anything anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore. I just want peace. I want salvation. I want you to leave my mind, my atmosphere, I want all of you to leave me forever.

"It's not abuse, it's a lesson."

"What did I even do to you?"

"You deserve to be hit."

"If you had died all those years ago, I wouldn't have regretted a thing. I shaped you into the person you are now, I built you into a stronger person!"

We were never the pair that was just supposed to fight. That was never our thing.

You'll keep being an abuser, and I'll keep letting it consume me.

THAT'S our dynamic. 

so pathetic