Lost in Love and Regret

 My Best Enemy

Je t’aime, je te hais. Over and over, these words spin in my head, crashing into each other like waves against a battered shore. Artur, why did you have to do me like that? Why did you have to look at me like I was your whole world, only to leave me drowning in mine?

The ball should have been a dream—a fairytale night. And for a moment, it was. You kissed my hand with a gaze so intense it burned through me, you held me as if I was the only thing that mattered. You protected me, scared away the men who got too close, lifted me like I was weightless. In a room full of people, you looked at me and only me.

So why did you leave me in the end?

Why, when I needed you the most, did you watch from afar instead of pulling me back from the edge? I was drunk, spiraling, trying to escape reality because Fibby died, because everything felt unbearable. And you— you just stood there. You looked at me with sad eyes, but you didn’t come closer. You didn’t smooth my pain, didn’t tell me it was going to be okay. Why, Artur?

Why do I love you, and why can’t you love me back?

You are my best enemy, my worst addiction. The best and worst thing that ever happened to me. And no matter how much I want to let go, I can’t. I won’t.

Je t’aime, je te hais. And I don’t know which one will win.

- Onnaya