march madness

as the days turn (not-so) warm, the month of march finally comes to a close.

i oh so desperately yearn to be loved and to love. i long for the feeling of falling so deeply for somebody, wanting to do everything and anything possible for them. i desire to be wanted, to be somebody's muse, to be smothered with all the love i could ever wish for. and yet i am so afraid. i am deeply terrified to expose my heart, in all of its raw nakedness, unknowing if it might be wounded again. it's so much easier to keep it to myself, wishing upon others what i crave after, just so i wouldn't be hurt anymore. perhaps in the future i might be able to take another chance, but alas, the time is not nigh.

i've spent a lot of time this month learning to live with myself and with my own feelings. being alone with my thoughts, for the lengthier part of my life, has been so difficult and confusing. just when situations seem to be changing for the better, something always happens to make my emotions go awry. borderline personality disorder doesn't make it any easier. i am constantly in a battle with my anxiety over the smallest shifts in others' actions and reactions towards me, and sometimes it feels like i'm sabotaging my own happiness. it may be a difficult pill to swallow, but i need to learn to regulate my own emotions and understand that, at times, things can just happen. not every little thing is a personal attack on me as a person, and not everybody is out to get me. respecting and loving myself will get me to the places i want to go, and moreover, make others realise that they should treat me with care and respect. life is always a learning process, and not every day will be perfect; but i will eventually reach a point where i should be content with myself, first and foremost, and also with others.

the relationship between death and me is so strange. i've struggled through countless bouts with depression, with no attempt ever successful at anything more than having me rushed to the emergency room. i've wished so dearly for the release from my struggles, and yet i've also never been more afraid of it. all the while it only manages to take so many of my loved ones instead.

the passing of my paternal grandmother had brought me an inexplicable amount of pain. the last i'd seen of her was two weeks prior. she'd been at the hospital for quite some time now, constantly in and out of the icu. she was almost never in control of her own mind and body. i was supposed to visit her. i had another meaningless argument with my father and did not show up at the hospital. i went about my week as usual.

on the morning of october 1st, 2023, my father burst into my bedroom, frantic, yelling at me to get in the car. i obliged. i threw on my sneakers, skipping the socks, waited ten excruciatingly long floors on the elevator, jumped in the car. what usually would've taken a thirty-minute drive took just over fifteen minutes. 180 kilometers per hour. my father was drinking at the wheel. we arrived. my grandmother had already passed. the sickening stench of the icu only nauseated me even more.

i never thought that i would experience the same feeling as that day. but on wednesday, march 26, 2025, i was once again just a child, fighting the urge to throw up, pit of anxiety and melancholia in my stomach. i couldn't breathe. tears flowed down my face. i found out later that day, the mountain that she had been buried on was gone. up in flames. and the person i had loved so dearly had died, not once, but twice.

as chilly as the weather is still, the warm spring breezes will soon come to warm my heart. as spring comes, i hope that everyone is able to see the flora blossoming all around them.