i'll always hate myself

and it'll always depend on other people. especially people who tell me they like me. i'd rather they didn't. because the thing is, i'll always measure and compare how much more they like someone else. there is always a list in front of me. people who don't need to ask because my supposed friends or admirers just tend to them naturally. i'm always in the back burner, a secret. i ignore it, because it's torture to think it every day. but it's there and i feel it. no one can say i'm their favorite anything.