Dead to the rest of the world

Today was such a hard day for me. I had a tiny fight with one of my friends and it irritated me the rest of the day. School was exhausting and dragged on. I just wanna go to sleep. I was curious and decided to Google my nana's name. I've done it so many times before, looking up public records of my family members just to see. It's funny how no records search website will ever tell anything about them. It says their ages, addresses, names, relations. It'll never reveal the true people behind that last name though. The people that I know who I'm embarrassed to be related to. 

Anyway. My nana. It'll always kill me when I look up her name. It's very common, but it's very special to me. It'll show her birthday, sign, name, spouse, home. 

"Passed away January 2024". oh. 

It's somehow been a year and almost 3 months. The blade of grief never rusts though. Never expires. It'll cut me sometimes, I'll move on. But oh. There's those other times, where the knife is sharp, stabs me right through the middle. Today was that time. 

I miss you. You're dead in reality, alive in my delusions.