Insecurities and dysmorphia (i feel like a monster).

I don’t know if this is just something I feel or if it’s a relatable experience for others, but sometimes I hate how I look so much that I feel like a literal monster around everyone. Let me explain.  

I have my moments when I feel like I look okay—or at least not absolutely horrendous. I look at myself in the mirror and think, *I could live with that.* But then it hits me: *That’s probably not how I actually look to other people in real life.* And that *haunts* me.  

Sometimes, I catch glimpses of myself in reflections and think, *Hm, I look acceptable today.* But then I see myself on a screen—on a picture or a video—and it shatters everything. I can’t even believe it. *Do I really look like THAT to others?* Monster. A literal, horrifying *monster.*  

Now, I know this sounds dramatic. I know it sounds harsh. But I just cannot fathom why anyone would *ever* approach me. My brain offers only two reasons: *out of pity* or *to be nice.* And honestly? Those seem like the only logical answers based on how I see myself.  

Don’t get me wrong—I put in effort. Maybe *too* much effort. I dress well, do my makeup, style my hair—the whole deal. And sometimes, for a fleeting moment, I feel confident. But then the questions creep in: *Do I really look like this, or is this just what I want to believe?* *Do I look ridiculous?* *Is my makeup bad?*  

Then the questions turn into statements. *That is definitely ridiculous.* *God, I probably look awful.*  

I can’t trust mirrors.  

I can’t trust myself.  

It reaches a point where the thoughts spiral, looping endlessly. *I look disgusting. I’m so ugly. So hideous. Like a monster.* People approach me out of pity. They talk to me just to be polite. Nobody actually *likes* me. I must be annoying, making them uncomfortable just by existing.  

Sometimes, I just give up and accept it: *Nothing I do will fix the way I look. Nothing will change how they see me.* I either learn to live alone because nobody wants me, or… not live at all.  

Again, I know this sounds dramatic. But seriously—how can I have *no idea* what I actually look like? *Ever?*