You Are Not Alone

Yesterday, Keith and I officially broke up. To be honest, I’m not sad. I’m not mad. I’m relieved. But it has made me think about myself.

You see, I’ve been suicidal since I was 13, I guess. I’ve had multiple suicide attempts, but nothing worked—apparently, I’m still here. And I have one person to thank for that: my sunshine, Dandelion. She was the one who stayed when nobody else was there. She saved me from jumping in front of a car, and because of her, I am here today. Because of her, I have learned to live, not just survive. She made me see the world in colors. She gave me a reason to live.

Anyway, all I want to do is say: Mom, I’m tired. Can I sleep in your arms today? I miss your embrace, your warmth. I want to be a kid again. I want to turn back time and change so many things. But I can’t—I can only change the future. Today, I shed a river of tears.

I want to live my future in my beautiful cottage, with animals, ducks, chickens, a pond, a weeping willow tree, and my big garden. I want to look at the sunset from my kitchen window, to hear my kids’ laughter in the house as they play, to have my husband kiss me good morning. But that future has to wait. Right now, I have to live in the present. Here I am—single, child-free, living in an apartment.

I had a dream where I had two daughters. One had olive skin and dark curly hair, with my beautiful water-like eye color, the color of the sky. My other daughter had long, straight blonde hair, white skin, and hazel-colored eyes. They were a combination of me and my husband. They were so beautiful. I loved the dream—it felt so real. I wish that was my reality and not this one, where I’m so lonely I want to die. I miss my daughters—I miss hearing them say “Mama” as they laugh. My older one, resting her face in my arms, and the little one running to me, with their dad behind her.

God, what am I to do? If I don’t marry anyone by the time I’m 29, I’ll kill myself—like I said when I was 14. I’ll just marry death in a white dress, with a crown of flowers on my head, underneath a willow tree. I’ll die by throwing myself off a cliff into the abyss, falling on a bed of white flowers and coloring them with my blood.

I love this life, but sometimes I feel lost. I don’t know what to do. I write, sing, and draw to make sure that my family and friends won’t miss me when I’m gone. I love singing. I love the morning, the twilight, and the night. I want to be forever 20. I don’t want to age. I love living. I love living in the present, the past, and the future at the same time. I love my friends and family. I love everyone and everything with all my heart.

And if there is someone out there who has this type of problem, reach out. Don’t commit suicide. Don’t take that step. Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems.

-Onnaya